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10 Times Candace and Toni Said What We’re All Thinking

Watch Portlandia this Thursday at 10P.

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Candace and Toni speak for those filled with antipathy. Those of us disgusted by sexism, objectification, and a casual disregard for strict customer bathroom privileges. But the more you get to know Portlandia’s resident feminist bookstore owners, the more you realize that Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are really speaking for all of us.

To get you ready for Candace’s appearance on this week’s brand-new Portlandia, here are 10 quotes from the duo that suit most situations.

1. “What’s feminist about a mermaid?”

1. Portlandia - Candace and Toni on Little Mermaid

2. “Press one for shut up and go home.”

2. Portlandia - Candace Press One

3. “It’s not cookie time!”

3. Portlandia - Candace Cookie Time

4. “I will hold your hand and go out into the street and make us both get hit by a car!”

4. Portlandia - Get Hit By a Car

5. “I’m halfway to pregnant.”

5. Portlandia - Halfway to Pregnant

6. “What a journal should be is a document of misery.”

6. Portlandia - Toni Journal Misery

7. “Every time you point I see a penis.”

7. Portlandia - Every Time You Point

8. “The shorts that the women were wearing were so short, I felt that they were growing from their assholes.”

8. Portlandia - Toni Short Shorts

9. “We take an empty space in someone’s head and we fill it with literature.”

9. Portlandia - Toni Fill Head With Literature

10. “Every time you say the word ‘unit’ or ‘box’ or ‘equipment’, I feel a penis here, I feel a penis here, I feel a penis here, I feel a penis here.”

10. Portlandia - Toni the Word Unit

Watch an all-new Portlandia this Thursday at 10P on IFC.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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