Jaded and indifferent toward the notion of commercialized holidays, the trendsetting characters of Portlandia aren’t the type to be rushing doorbuster sales on Black Friday. But that doesn’t mean they won’t be exchanging artisanal home cheeses and letterpress-stamped gift receipts over yuletide micheladas. (It just feels more authentic this way.)
Of course, this means more thought must be put into personalizing a present, far beyond what a Barnes & Noble gift card could accomplish. With that in mind — and with the charitable spirit of winter solstice in our hearts — here are 10 holiday gift ideas with the steampunk barista, communal gardener, and pedicab driver in mind.
1. Bird stencils ($4.73)
Colorful avian silhouettes liven up everything — from antique coffee grinders to mason jar light fixtures. And why rob your acquaintances from the pleasures of crafting by buying a piece of seashell art with a boring gull already painted on? Grab a pack of stencils and open your loved one’s horizons to “putting a bird on it.” (Stuff the Portlandia Activity Book in their stocking for more fun.)
2. Gourmet Cacao ($13.57)
If you’re hearing the word “cacao” repeated day-in and day-out, you’re not alone. The classy gourmet chocolate may cost roughly ten times that of a Hershey’s bar, but where else can you fine-tune a snack into percentages? Cacao: It’s as fun to eat as it is to whisper into your partner’s ear as he or she is sleeping.
3. Carrie Brownstein’s Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl: A Memoir ($16.77)
This October, Sleater-Kinney member and Portlandia co-creator Carrie Brownstein bore her soul in her book Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl: A Memoir. Opening up about her life on tour and the complex relationship she had with her parents, Brownstein produced a poignant autobiography that’ll stuff the finest stocking.
4. The Portlandia Cookbook: Cook Like a Local ($18.10)
Does this sound familiar? You went dumpster diving this morning and foraged a case of chocolate pudding that’s a mere two days past expiration, but the rest of your adult dodgeball team is coming tonight — and, boy, do they like their snack packs aged! Well, it’s time to ditch those boring old discarded meals and learn the ways of Portlandia‘s culinary experts!
5. Exercise Ball ($24.97)
Just because you’re the mayor of the largest city in Oregon doesn’t mean you can afford to ignore your core. So friends of municipal leaders would be remiss not to gift them an exercise ball for isolating, strengthening, and bouncing — lots of bouncing. How else are they gonna look down their noses at Seattle?
6. Sunlight Therapy Lamp and 200ct bottle of Vitamin D ($65.99)
The Pacific Northwest isn’t well acquainted with the big orange circle in the sky, commonly referred to as “the Sun” — a regional colloquialism originating somewhere in Southern California. So as your Portland pals are staring longingly at the vast grey bleakness, give them the gift of the only light they’ll see for most of the new year. And don’t forget the Vitamin D supplements!
7. One Year of a Digital Newsstand Subscription (Price Varies)
Did you read that piece about executive bindles in the Times? Did you catch that Cosmo article about books clubs being infiltrated by ISIS? Did you read? Did you read?!?! Keeping up with the latest think pieces would cost you a fortune in periodical storage in print form, so why not pony up for a year’s worth of digital magazines? Op-eds aren’t going to detract themselves.
8. Battlestar Galactica Ultimate Collection on Blu-ray ($81.99)
At a time when television series are resurrected if viewers wish hard enough — or fund it themselves — fans should never give up hope that their favorite series is dead for good. (Even if that means finding someone who merely shares the name of the show’s creator.) But in the meantime, why not stock up on the Cylons that already exist and hold your own “next episode!” binge party?
9. Tattoo Removal ($500 per session)
Look, we’ve all gone through our phases. Be it goth, ska, or Ani, our fleeting fandoms will occasionally get us into jams that are, uh, kinda permanent. So rather than let your inked buddies make a first impression that’s a little “sophomore year ’93,” get those Eddie Vedder portraits and “DUMP QUAYLE” slogans blasted off with a powerful laser.
10. Microhouse ($30,000)
Fact: The human body was never meant for a habitat larger than 400 square-feet. Anything beyond the size of a toolshed is needless luxury. So if you have 30 Gs to spare, set your closest friend up with the most efficient living space available. Budding manifesto authors gotta find their muses somewhere! (For a more moderately priced way to live the Portlandia life, give the gift of the Portlandia: A Guide for Visitors book.)