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DID YOU READ

Bust-a-Bucket: The Trailblazers’ All-Portlandian Team

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Portland loves its Trailblazers — sometimes too much, if you believe Bill Simmons. Until Major League Soccer came along in 2009, NBA basketball was the only pro-game in town, and despite the vociferous dedication of the Timbers Army, it’s going to take many more years of attrition for the team to unseat the Blazers as Rose City’s favorite hard-luck underdogs. “Don’t Stop Believin'” is a cliche sports anthem, but it truly applies to Blazer fans: Through all the injuries, disappointing draft picks, Game 7 meltdowns, injuries, questionable general manager firings and even more injuries, the Rip City faithful have never stopped believing that every season will be the one in which the team seizes the spirit of 1977 — the year the franchise won its only championship — and brings home another title (well, except for during the Jailblazers Era, perhaps).

Although Portland considers everyone who’s ever donned a red, white and black jersey an adopted son (with the possible exception of Bonzi Wells), there are certain players who, for one reason or another, seem to scream “Portland” more than others. With the Blazers currently riding high on a 2-0 start to the new NBA season, we asked comedian, “Portlandia” guest star (you might remember him as “Guy Who Dies in Bathtub”) and Blazers fanatic Ian Karmel to draft a starting five of the most Portlandian Trailblazers of all-time. Would this team win a championship? That’s debatable. But if it did, there’s no doubt its victory celebration would include Voodoo Doughnuts and gallons upon gallons of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Point Guard: Sebastian Telfair
Years with the Blazers: 2004-2006
Height: 6′
Weight: 165
Career Points Per Game: 7.8
What makes him Portlandian: Until he moved to Portland, he’d only lived in Brooklyn. He was part of a documentary that won some awards at Tribeca. That’s some real Portlandian business, but it’s that time he took a handgun on a plane — I’m assuming as a tribute to Portland-based plane hijacker DB Cooper — that really seals his spot at point guard. DB Cooper, mad vintage.

Shooting Guard: Brandon Roy
Years with the Blazers: 2006-2011
Height: 6’6″
Weight:
229
Career Points Per Game: 19
What makes him Portlandian: Where young people go to retire.

Small Forward: Jerome Kersey
Years with the Blazers: 1984-1995
Height: 6’7″
Weight: 215
Career Points Per Game: 10.3
What makes him Portlandian: Jerome Kersey is a quiet, decent, hardworking man from Skipwith, Virginia. After his basketball career, he worked in the mortgage industry and as an auto wholesaler. Yes, it took him 26 years to graduate from college, but it seems there isn’t really anything that Portlandian about Jerome Kersey. It’s not like he ever cut an EP while wearing a snap-back hat and a two-tone windbreaker. OH-MUH-GAWSH.

Power Forward: Channing Frye
Years with the Blazers:
2007-2009
Height: 6’11”
Weight: 248
Career Points Per Game: 9.5
What makes him Portlandian: Though his time with the team may have been short, Frye is arguably the most Portlandian of Blazers. He has a Tumblr. He uses it to post about trivia nights, coffee and Portugal. The Man. If you press the button on his Reebok Pumps he turns into a food cart. There’s a decent chance this guy will tear off his warm-ups to enter a game one day, and his legs will be covered in flyers for a Dan Deacon concert at the Doug Fir.

(UPDATE: Channing Frye responds to the honor of being included on the All-Portlandian Team: “It took me five years, but my enthusiasm and persistence for the tastiest food carts, the coldest beers (locally brewed, of course) and for anything ‘Portlandish’ has finally paid off. Thanks to all my friends who made my jeans a little tighter, my flannels a little less mainstream, and to all the people that have seen me day-in and day-out at Club Sport in Tualatin. I did it all for this one moment.”)

Center: Bill Walton
Years with the Blazers: 1974-1978
Height: 6’11”
Weight: 210
Career Points Per Game: 13.3
What makes him Portlandian: Dopey white guy from California moves to Portland, rides bike to work, wears a basketball jersey from the ’70s and a sweaty headband all the time: Bill Walton, or the guy who gets all passive-aggressive about your decision to use a debit card at his coffee shop? Both, y’all. Both.

Coach: Dr. Jack Ramsay
Years with the Blazers: 1976-1985
Overall Win-Loss Record: 864-783
What makes him Portlandian: Exhibit A. Exhibit B: see Exhibit A.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…