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Your Portlandia Personality Test
Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.
Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.
Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk
Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.
Lane 33: Twins
You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.
Lane 27: Broken Windows
Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.
Lane 69: Filthy Cars
You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.
Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles
It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.
Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.
How Fletch Created the Modern Hipster
You can take your Stallone and Schwarzenegger — when I think of what real manhood looks like, all I picture is the dimpled chin of one Irwin M. Fletcher. For children of the ’80s, no one defined cool quite like Fletch. He just didn’t give a damn, even if it repeatedly almost got him killed.
Smug. Sarcastic. Works his own hours, often in ratty clothes. You can almost trace an entire generation of slackers deciding who they wanted to be when they grew up the minute Fletch hit the screen. He’s like the Big Bang of disaffected hipsters everywhere. Here are just a few ways that Fletch F. Fletch himself helped create the modern hipster.
“Is Everything a Joke to You?”
Nothing is ever so dire that it can’t be answered with a joke. Need gloves for a murder? Just tell the guy you lease them, “with an option to buy.” About to be shot, remind the killer he’s “liable to lose a lot of those humanitarian awards.” If you take nothing seriously, life will never become serious.
Procrastination Can Be an Art Form
When one looks closely, it quickly becomes clear that Fletch is a man who will do anything to avoid doing his job. Camped out on a high stakes assignment for two weeks, the minute something else comes up, he drops everything and runs. Sure, making a quick $50,000 is better than wasting time on Facebook, but that’s just what separates Fletch’s procrastination from our own.
Live the Lie
If Fletch taught us anything, it’s that if you lie enough, your whole life can become a wacky adventure. There’s no place you can’t go, no one you can’t be, if you’re willing to fib like a sociopath, and buy 49 cent novelty teeth (or an unfortunately dated afro wig) to back it up. Just ask Brian Williams.
Life’s an Inside Joke With Yourself
If you’re not amused, no one else will be. Sure, the likelihood your name is Mr. Babar, John Cock…tos…ton or Mr. Poon isn’t great, and will probably give you away, but if you can’t keep things light, what’s the point in succeeding? Fletch put narcissism on the map before Instagram was a twinkle in Donkey Kong’s eye.
Dress For the Job You Want
If you can’t do your job in the clothes you slept in last night, then maybe your job isn’t worth doing. Who am I, my father? Whether it’s a tattered Lakers jersey, or a Hawaiian shirt revealing just enough chest hair, Fletch was light years ahead of us telecommuters, putting in a hard days work without ever putting on pants. Fletch makes it clear that keeping comfortable is the most essential part of your job. Doing the work comes third, after endlessly hitting on every woman you come in contact with.
Get Out on Top
The one thing about being flip with everyone and everything you come across is that it sometimes doesn’t age well. You have to keep a lot of balls in the air, or the world starts to notice maybe you’re not as clever as you think you are. As a generation of hipsters finally grow up, we should all remember the lessons of Fletch Lives. Know when to let it go.
5 Ways The Show Friends Ruined My Life
When Friends debuted in September of 1994, I was just starting my senior year of high school. Like most teens, I based everything I thought I knew about my post-high school life on mix-and-matched chunks of pop culture. So basically I was certain that my young adulthood would look like a cross between a Cameron Crowe movie and Friends. Now, I’m not saying this was or is the most intelligent theory one could come up with. But then again, when has the average American teenager ever been known to exercise impressible amounts of intelligence?
It wasn’t until recently, after Netflix made every episode of Friends available and I enthusiastically overdosed on a two season bingewatch, that I realized how much 17-year-old me subconsciously took from that show. Moreover, how believing said things potentially ruined my life. Okay, maybe ruined is a bit dramatic. But it definitely messed with my head enough to cause some excessive alcohol consumption when reality came crashing through my Friends-induced dreams.
5. The whole “moving to NYC on a whim and living off minimum wage” thing doesn’t work.
For decades, New York City has been one of the cities that young people dream of moving to in order to “make it.” In fact, a large number of people who live in NYC aren’t originally from within a 25-mile radius of the city. But one day they pack up their belongings, drain their savings account, and make their way to the Big Apple in the hopes of starting a new life and assuming a somewhat new identity based off the person they want to be versus the person they currently are.
Shortly after arrival the wave of euphoria is replaced by a wave of panic when the reality of finding a job, and an apartment, sets in. While both seem to be in abundance, so is the number of people vying for them. And much like Rachel slinging coffee until she finds a “real job,” most new New Yorkers end up working in retail or the service industry which is fine, but unless you have fine dining experience or know how to tend bar, don’t count on making enough money to live off of from just one job. Nope, you’ll be doubling down on two jobs that are in no way what you want to be doing with your life all so you can make rent in your 600 sq. foot (if you’re lucky) apartment in your walk-up building that you share with two other roommates and has a shower in the kitchen. Remember, kids: you have to be rich just to be poor in NYC.
4. In NYC, rent control is more of an urban legend than a reality.
Monica boasted early on about how she gained her apartment through her grandmother who, as far as the building management was concerned, still lived there. Okay, fine. Let’s go with that. But in reality, less than 2% of all New Yorkers have or have ever had rent-controlled apartments. So odds are not likely that Mon would score a nearly 1,200 sq. ft. apartment in Soho and even if she had, Joey and Chandler would’ve been priced out of their apartment across the hall years ago.
It’s much more likely that someone lives in a rent stabilized apartment, which still would see some level of rent increases annually. But in the real world, one is more likely to find such apartments in neighborhoods that aren’t Soho. And if they find them, expect to live in a walk-up building that most likely accepts low-income housing and is possibly a little sketchy.
But you know what isn’t a myth? Roaches, rats, and mice. No matter how clean YOU may be, I promise you will end up walking out of the shower one day and seeing at least one of these in your kitchen area (let’s be honest, you can’t afford a separate kitchen) or scurrying into a hole in your wall that you never knew existed. It’s a shame you can’t collect rent from them.
3. NYC coffee shops aren’t that big or that cozy. And you’ll never afford to spend as much time in one as they do.
When I think back to the list of favorite coffee shops I’ve amassed over the years, not one of them is even half the size of Central Perk. (And if they were, they certainly didn’t have a giant comfy couch and several chairs always reserved for just me and my friends.) That’s actually better off, because in reality most New Yorkers don’t have the time or luxury of being able to spend even half the amount of time lazing around in a coffee shop that the cast of Friends did because they have to do a little thing called “go to work.” It costs some serious coin to afford to live in this city and at an average of $3.75 for a cup of joe, I learned pretty quickly that not only would I rarely spend more than 10 minutes in a coffee shop at a time, but also that making coffee at home was nicer to my wallet.
2.You can’t sleep with all your friends and stay friends.
At some point, no matter how “cool” or “close” all of you are, if everyone starts banging everyone else then you will definitely need to find a new set of friends. And probably move, because it’s super awkward that all of you live within 10 feet of each other. In reality I’ve stayed cordial with most of my exes, but in no way are they part of my immediate circle of friends nor are they best friends with each other. However I, like everyone else, have at least an ex or two that I wish could magically get spun off the planet and drift out into space and explode. But a quick Google search tells me that one, people don’t explode in space without a suit or helmet and, two, you can’t get spun off the Earth because gravity just ruins everything.
In a city of 8 million people at some point you will run into an ex. It’s a phenomenon that is unexplainable and unavoidable. This is why I have the EXscape plan, which I highly recommend that everyone living in NYC should have. Think of it like a fire extinguisher or renters insurance: you may never suffer the tragic events that deem them necessary, but it’s comforting to know you have them just in case. If you’re lucky, you will see your ex before they see you. Then, you can maneuver a quick escape route and avoid the impending face-to-face with the last person you want to see. The EXscape plan means thinking quick on your feet. It’s helpful to know your exits at all times, similar to the emergency exits on a plane. You can either duck into a store, down the nearest subway stairs, or hop in a cab and go to the nearest airport and by a one-way ticket to a city that no one you have ever dated lives in. Your call.
1. My lobster ended up in someone else’s tank.
Almost every women in their thirties knows what it means when you say someone is their lobster. I say almost because there may be a few Goths or homeschooled kids that may have never seen the episode when Rachel finds out that Ross almost rescued her prom by volunteering as her date when Chip looked like he wasn’t showing up. Then Rachel kisses Ross because according to Phoebe he’s her lobster and lobsters, as she explained earlier in the episode, “walk around holding claws and love each other forever.” The “he’s her lobster” term is something that many women now in their thirties latched on to as teens, hoping to cutely apply to their future one and only.
That being said, I totally had a lobster. Or I thought I had a lobster. But then my lobster ended up in someone else’s tank. Just like everyone has at least one ex they never want to see again, they probably have one that will forever be adored by them and all their friends. It’s the one ex that you maybe sleep with between current relationships if you’re both single, that you get nostalgic about and only see everything good that existed between the two of you, and occasionally imagine some fairytale where after all is said and done the two of you end up together forever.
In reality, your lobster is probably a lot like mine in the sense that you two only exist as this perfect forever couple in a fantasy. In fact, you probably didn’t date each other for very long before things fizzled and just didn’t work out. And since it was a short relationship you never got to the serious stuff or saw each other’s ugly sides. The relationship didn’t last past the honeymoon phase, so it’s forever frozen in time as this great thing that could have been and is maybe meant to be. But it isn’t. Because the truth is no one ends up with his or her lobster. Which is totally fine because lobsters don’t even mate for life anyway. Besides, when exactly did Phoebe become an expert on the romantic lives of crustaceans anyway?
Cher Martinetti is a NYC-based writer who writes for IFC, Cracked, and Blastr. Follow her on Twitter where she’s occasionally funny by accident and/or tweeting about her dogs.
6 Ways Maya Rudolph Is Like Kevin Spacey
It may not seem obvious at first, but believe or not, Maya Rudolph has quite a few things in common with Kevin Spacey. They’re both hilarious and both people you’d want to get drunk with at a party. But the similarities don’t end there. Here are six ways Maya is like Kevin. Use these to impress people with your random smartness and watch Maya bring her best Spacey to the Usual Suspects spoof on this week’s Comedy Bang! Bang!
6.They both can bust a move
These two should make a dance movie together. There’s another Step Up coming out, right?
5. They can both sing
Did you know Spacey trained at Julliard and Maya toured with the band The Rentals? Now you do.
4. In fact, they’ve both played famous singers
Spacey portrayed Bobby Darin and Maya has played Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, and Whitney Houston. Okay, so maybe Maya is a little more experienced in this category.
3. They’re both in this really weird SNL sketch
Presented without comment.
2. They both do some pretty hilarious impressions.
Kevin Spacey is known for his numerous spot-on impressions and it’s safe to say Maya’s impression of another famous Maya may be the best one ever. And Spacey’s Pacino is pretty great too.
1. They’ve both channeled their geeky side
Both Spacey and Rudolph have geeked out on SNL.
The Best 6-Second Moments From Last Night’s Portlandia
It’s Friday afternoon. We don’t expect your attention span to be at its peak. That’s why, instead of giving you a long, wordy rundown about last night’s episode of Portlandia, we’ve pulled a few of the best moments and uploaded them to Vine. To make things even more convenient, we’ve embedded them in this very post. So, go ahead. Scroll down and enjoy!
Do you like Motown?
Candace knows how to work a room.
The ’90s dance off that started it all for Toni and Candace…
Also, here’s a Vine by Avery Monsen that captures the spirit of the episode:
Killer Comedy: 10 Hilarious Coen Brothers Moments
The Coen Brothers have given us some of the funniest movies ever made. Even their darker entries have moments of levity. So picking just ten hilarious moments is an act of insanity. Luckily, insanity can sometimes be very funny as well. Just look at Walter Sobchak.
10. The Screaming Bandits – Raising Arizona
The endless screaming is funny enough all by itself. But John Goodman punctuating it by punching the dash pushes it over the edge.
9. Jesus’ Introduction – The Big Lebowski
This minor character’s entrance, enhanced by a Spanish rendition of “Hotel California,” is beyond hilarious. Plus we get some good Walter Sobchak action in there as well.
8. “We’re in a Tight Spot” – O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Repetition is a comedy tool the Coen Brothers use with unique expertise. As is George Clooney. Put them together and you have a supremely funny moment in a supremely funny film.
7. Mattie Takes Down LaBoeuf – True Grit
The secret almost-romance to end all secret almost-romances, Sam and Diane have nothing on the humorous bickering between Mattie and LaBoeuf.
6. Jerry Lundegaard Gets Angry – Fargo
Fargo makes music out of ultra-friendly Minnesota accents, and you really hear it best when anger enters the equation.
5. Dim Brad Pitt vs. Angry John Malkovich – Burn After Reading
So much anger on one side, so much stupidity on the other. Who wins? Well, (SPOILER) one guy ends the film in a coma, and the other gets his face blown off, so it’s really a coin toss.
4. “…And They Dock Ya!” – The Hudsucker Proxy
Here’s that comic repetition again. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and no Coen Brothers scene quite matches this one for speed, chaos, and all-out hopelessness.
3. The Waffle House – The Ladykillers
Look at that ensemble. Listen to the way Tom Hanks speaks. Even Marlon Wayans is funny here. How do people not like this movie?
2. Anton Chigurh Meets His Match – No Country for Old Men
Anton Chigurh, a seemingly unstoppable force of nature, has a surprise weakness against stubborn trailer park managers. This lady totally stonewalls the Devil himself.
1. The Shooting Contest – True Grit
This list cannot go out without an appearance by Rooster Cogburn, particularly a stumbling drunk Rooster Cogburn unsuccessfully shooting at corn bread, a Thanksgiving tradition of old.
7 Things You Didn’t Know About Ghostbusters
It’s National Ghostbusters Day today (really!), and in celebration we thought we’d dig deep into the 1984 horror-comedy classic to reveal seven fascinating bits of trivia that you might not have heard before.
7. The Original Script Was Set in the Future
Dan Aykroyd’s first take on the concept was very different from the final film, a sci-fi paranormal comedy that would take place years in the future where teams of Ghostbusters were public servants like police and firemen.
During the film’s original theatrical release, director Ivan Reitman set up 1-800-555-2368 (the same number as in the flick) and had a recording of Raymond and Venkman on the other end. The number got 1,000 calls an hour, 24 hours a day, until it was shut down.
Atherton, who plays cowardly EPA lawyer Walter Peck, is the real villain of the movie (his releasing the ghosts from the containment unit added to the chaos in New York), was so hated that after the movie came out he was harassed on the street and challenged to fights in bars.
When Sigourney Weaver came in to read for the role of Dana Barrett, she didn’t just do the human part of the character. After she introduced herself to Ivan Reitman, she jumped up on the couch and went into full-on crazy demon dog mode, snarling and barking at the director.
Watch Weird Al Improve TV Theme Songs at the Emmys
In case you missed it, last night’s Emmy medley was just further proof the Weird Al needs to perform at the Super Bowl. Weird Al put lyrics to some of the biggest shows on TV, which was not only brilliant, but made for the perfect cliff notes for anyone that didn’t know what these shows were about. If only Al could come sing our favorite books to us. Here’s the clip with a special cameo by Andy Samberg.
9 Reasons to Stay Single in the Summer
Screw the Summer of Love; we believe in The Summer of Staying Single. If you’re like us, you’ve strained your eyes reading too many bad dating profiles, are tired of all the awkward dates, and don’t want to spend another lonely Saturday night perusing the casual encounters ads on Craigslist. Oh, is that last one just us? Whatever. Point is, there’s plenty of good reasons to stay single this summer (and possibly forever). Here are 9 of our favorites.
9. Because love is like Santa. Wait, we kinda like Santa.
8. Because sometimes vacations are more fun alone.
7. Because dating is pretty much the worst.
6. Because at some point, you may have an ex that turns out to be a crazy person.
On this week’s Garfunkel and Oates, Riki and Kate sing about the ridiculousness of football (and sports in general). For instance, is watching able-bodied millionaires toss a ball around really the best use of our time? But if the game itself seems absurd, you should meet some of its players.
9. Rudy Zolteck
The chubby pee-wee juggernaut in Little Giants was one of three receivers that won the game, so he turned out to be good for something after all.
8. Barney Gorman
In the movie Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon – yes, that’s really the title – Tony Danza plays a trashman turned Philadelphia Eagle.
7. Air Bud
The canine hero first made his bones on the basketball court, but in the 1998 sequel Air Bud: Golden Receiver he demonstrated a knack for football as well.
6. George Plimpton
Writer George Plimpton actually tried out for the Lions, but the film version of his novel Paper Lion puts the Paris Review co-founder on the field against the Cardinals.
Since a mule can’t carry the ball, the only place for the titular character of Disney’s Gus is, of course, kicker.
Photo courtesy Walt Disney Pictures/Everett Collection