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Do the 'Do

A Definitive Ranking of the Hairstyles of Troy

Catch Brad Pitt in Troy this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Warner Brothers/courtesy Everett Collection

Troy is a product of its time, an old-school period action flick released back in 2004 in an era defined by Hobbits and Orcs. But while the Lord of the Rings movies would go on to win the box office and a boatload of Oscars, Troy would best it in one distinct way. For all of its flaws, when it came to hairdos, the people behind Troy brought it. Poofy. Wavy. Long. Luxurious. Each style more glorious than the last. Before you catch Troy on IFC this Friday, April 15th at 8P, we thought it was our duty to rank the defining quality of this movie, that split the difference between Tolkien and 300 and ended up as a hair salon ad with swords.

12. Diane Kruger as Helen

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh please, this ‘do is like Season 3 of Downtown Abbey — tasteful and boring. Troy, with its Cliff’s Notes plotting and Lord of the Rings-style battle scenes, makes its bones with action and a hair budget that would bankrupt most third world nations. This demure number isn’t going to cut it.


11. Peter O’Toole as Priam

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Peter O’Toole is a film legend, but while the piercing blue eyes can still sell a scene, his blow-dried middle part just didn’t stand out when compared to the feathery goodness the rest of the cast was working with. A solid effort from an icon, but maybe he should stick to acting, and leave the hair game to the pros.


10. Rose Byrne as Briseis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure, Rose Byrne looks nice enough. Maybe a touch too 2004 pop star, instead of 1250 B.C. virgin priestess, but how was anyone supposed to know crimped bangs weren’t here to stay? Cute, but far from the poofed-out pomp A-game we get to see later in the list.


9. Saffron Burrows as Andromache

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Another solid effort, but there are no participation trophies here. Yes, Ms. Burrows’ hair looks lovely, but we need a bit more Tina Turner and a little less Golden Globes presenter to make up some ground. Beautiful isn’t going to cut it. In this movie, when your hair looks done, you need to go back in and ask for three more inches of poof.


8. Brendan Gleeson as Menelaus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re getting somewhere. Rumor has it Gleeson brought a hedgehog into the makeup trailer and said make me look like that. Okay, we just made that up, but it gives you an idea of what it took to stand out in this cast of follicle superstars.


7. Orlando Bloom as Paris

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Orlando Bloom was coming off of a long run of Elven blonde extensions when he joined the cast of Troy, so when everyone else zigged, he zagged. His short, curly locks are the type you could run your fingers through for days, leading to a commendable effort, if not the wig-wearing crown.


6. Brian Cox as Agamemnon

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Brian Cox is one step shy of a Psychlo from Battlefield Earth here with his dreaded ponytail. Kudos, Mr. Cox, for playing the hair game, but we’re docking you points for reminding us of Travolta’s creepy tongue in that movie.


5. Eric Bana as Hector

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re talking. Eric Bana’s hair is so deliciously poofy in this movie, it would probably float away if it weren’t stapled to his head. The filmmakers must have had a whole team of blow driers at the ready for any day he was on set.


4. Julie Christie as Thetis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Unlike fellow legend Peter O’Toole, Julie Christie brings her mane mastery to the hair and makeup chair here, with her grey-streaked hair screaming “my part may be underwritten, but you will pay attention to me.” It’s like a rollercoaster ride of highlights and lowlights. She looks like a Disney villain on a Grecian holiday. This is how you play to win.


3. Sean Bean as Odysseus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh, Sean Bean. You may get killed in every movie you appear in, but that tornado of wavy locks on your head could survive a nuclear explosion. Windswept doesn’t do that ‘do justice, unless the wind is coming from every angle imaginable.


2. Garrett Hedlund as Patroclus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Garrett Hedlund was just a rookie on the set of Troy, but he knew to do anything and everything Mr. Pitt was doing, and then some. That must be how he ended up with these luscious locks that look like they belong on a poster in a tween’s bedroom, more than on the head of the future Tron: Legacy star.


1. Brad Pitt as Achilles

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Yes, this may be the easy choice, but it is numero uno for a reason. The Bradster brought all of his years of movie star experience to the set of Troy, going to a hairdo that would stand the test of time. The long, roping locks. The wavy curls. The near neon brand of blonde hair dye. The only thing that could upstage Mr. Pitt’s once in a lifetime coif in this movie is his marble chiseled abs, but that’s for another list. Mr. Pitt, unlike Achilles, you have no weaknesses.

What if Troy was a staring contest? Watch below. 

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…