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DID YOU READ

A comic walk through sexual development in 10 steps

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6. Eddie Murphy on Infidelity

Full disclosure, as a young adolescent, I learned about the existence of the female orgasm from “Eddie Murphy: Raw,” so for all the homophobia present in that performance, it had some positive effects as well. Such as this particular bit about what happens in the dating world when relationships become so commonplace they’re essentially disposable, and idiot men cheat on women enough to drive them to do the same. In the Bahamas. With a dude named Dexter, whose junk would apparently frighten Laurie Elliott.


7. Wanda Sykes on Detachable Vaginas

Okay, not one of your normal steps in sexual progression, but is there really a more succinct way to say ‘look, I like sex as much as the next person, but sometimes it’s a pain in the ass?’ Minds out of the gutter, people. Well, not entirely, given we’re talking about detachable vaginas, but you know what I mean. Basically, once again, it’s different for women, as they find their lives a bit more limited by being in constant possession of the object of unfortunate male obsession. Sykes posits that it’d be nice to have the option to take it off the table sometimes – but available in an emergency.


8. Louis CK on Miserable Married Sex

Eventually, people tend to marry each other (provided they are legally allowed to in their state), and most folks will tell you that it’s not too long after the vows are exchanged that sex starts to become less of a priority, less exciting and less interesting. Especially once children are had, sex drops entirely off the radar for a while. Louis CK is no stranger to airing his dirty laundry to roomfuls of strangers, and he understands completely why his wife would want nothing to do with servicing her husband anymore. However, the need is still there for him, and his description of the saddest, most reluctant handie in the world shows us how low things can go for married folk.


9. Bernie Mac on Getting Too Old For It

Eventually, even the ever-horny gentlemen of a certain age will reach a point where they stop wanting to have sex so often, and yes, it can become a pain in the ass for them as well. Where once, it was a point of pride to last as long as possible and make a big production out of it, the older you get, the more you want to get in and out and done. As the late, great Bernie Mac put it, it shouldn’t take any longer than one round of a heavyweight title fight to get the job done.


10. Doug Stanhope on The Complete Uselessness of the Whole Damn Thing

As usual, Stanhope attacks and destroys whatever subject he’s taking on with crushing savagery of a train wreck. He furiously and ruthlessly demystifies the entire ridiculous process by decrying how worthless the human obsession with sex is, and how badly it derails the advancement of civilization – not that he’s got much hope for it anyway. When you get down to it, sex is just this weird, sweaty, grunty thing that serves a biological need and an evolutionary function. “It’s not that great. It’s not that important,” Stanhope insists, although with a brief caveat. “It’s not BAD – it’s free fun for poor people.”


Have a favorite comedian bit about sex? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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