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DID YOU READ

10 ways to survive high school (according to movies and TV)

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High school is often fatal. We all know that every teenaged student in every learning institution everywhere is in the very real danger of dying of embarrassment at any moment. It is a strange time, full of questions, doubts, and the overwhelming urge to masturbate at the drop of a hat. Things get greasy, parts grow at inopportune times, hair appears in nightmarish tufts, your voice is cracked and your skin decides it hates you. And everyone is judging you at all times.

However, high school is also such a crucial time in our lives. It is the place where many of us learn how to engage in coitus and earn the horrifyingly traumatic emotional scars that affect how we relate to people for decades to come. All the dramatic potential involved means that our entertainment media tend to cover this ground quite a bit, and thus, they have plenty of suggestions on how to navigate the rough waters of adolescence. Therefore, let’s run down a quick list of ways to survive the high school experience, as illustrated by movies and television.


1. Get super powers

Naturally, the easiest way to survive high school would be to gain supernatural abilities beyond those of mortal men. Not only does it immediately elevate your set of problems beyond those of petty adolescent issues, but you can destroy anyone who tries to bully you. Ideally, you’d be a superhero with telekinesis or something, but you can also do pretty well with being a sparkly vampire or a basketball-playing werewolf, too. It’s all the rage.


2. Stay away from the popular crowd

By and large, popular people in high school are always evil. Not just generally overconfident and condescending jerks, but actual manipulative evildoers. They will not be satisfied with simply being more attractive than most – they are driven to actively crush all outliers to their worldviews. This attitude does tend to leave them prone to ultimate humiliation, though, so it’s best to never be on their side of the coin – as alluring as being accepted among the beautiful people sounds. You will never actually be accepted, so it’s better not to try. Besides, all the legitimately interesting people are never popular.


3. Make a horrible bet to manipulate the life of a classmate

Case in point, it’s standard form for the people who reside in the rarefied air of the popular crowd (often, being cartoonishly rich helps one to get into that stratosphere, by the by) to toy with the lives of the people they view as their lessers. In high school terms, this often involves sporting wagers about nerds and proms. However, if you happen to be a participant in one of these bets, you’ve got a fifty percent chance of becoming a better person and falling in love with the person you’re gambling over. If you like those odds, and you can handle suddenly growing a conscience and busting out some contrition, you’ll come out the better for it.


4. Throw giant parties without adult supervision

This is a no-brainer, although you’ll have some short-term suffering to endure to get to the survival benefits. You will go deep into debt, everything in your home will be broken, multiple people will vomit, there will somehow be a car chase, the police will give you static, and you’ll probably find your significant other playing mattress hockey with your worst enemy. However, you will also be granted a legendary status, and dollars to donuts you will grow as a human being through bonding with your new best friends. Plus, there’s a very good chance you’ll get all sorts of laid.


5. Seek out hookers with a heart of gold

If you’re having trouble populating your giant parties, you can always cheat out and hire professionals to attend and get their floozy on. Sure, it’s skeevy, but you’ve got fairly good odds that they will turn out not to be ruthlessly broken opportunists, but rather slightly misguided girls who require the attention of one dedicated teenager to completely reinvent their lives and get back on the right side of the tracks. This also works if you ask porn stars to your prom (and that’s even happened in real life) and, if you are particularly adept at the weirder sciences, perhaps you can even invent a woman to liven things up.

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…