When Arnold Schwarzeneggar as Conan yells “You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! You took my father’s sword!” there is little doubt that “Conan the Barbarian” is a great great movie. The dramatic tale begins when a horde of rampaging warriors massacre the parents of young Conan and enslave the young child for years on The Wheel of Pain. Unlike the Wheel of Fortune, the Wheel of Pain only purpose seems to be building up Conan’s muscles. (Apparently it doesn’t care about his mind at all.) It’s no surprise that one day wee little Conan grew up to become Arnold Schwarzenegger, Man of Steel. As the sole survivor of the childhood massacre, Conan is released from slavery and taught the ancient arts of fighting, which naturally transforms him into a killing machine. (Have these people not seen “Kill Bill”?) As is his wont, and without a proper shirt to cover those bulging muscles, Conan decides to seek vengeance on Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), the man responsible for killing his family. In the wilderness, Conan takes up with the thieves Valeria (Sandahl Bergman) and Subota (Gerry Lopez), who are probably not very good role models, but since he doesn’t have parents there is no one to complain. The trio comes upon a weird snake cult, linked to Doom, and Conan wants to trek off to Doom’s mountain retreat to kill him, but he is prevented from doing that by King Osrik (Max Von Sydow), who wants the trio of warriors to help rescue his daughter who has joined Doom in the hills. Like we said, it’s a dramatic story. One that you can watch tonight at 8 or 10:45 p.m. ET on IFC as part of our week long look at Movies That Go Bang! Bang!
Tomorrow: “The Perfect Storm”
Watch the trailer for “Conan the Barbarian” below and remember that’s the former Governor of California:
“Conan the Barbarian” airs on IFC tonight at 8:00 PM ET and at 10:45 PM ET and Friday, May. 18 at 8:00 PM ET and at 10:45 PM ET