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DID YOU READ

The 25 best animal attacks in movie history (with video)

A scene from "Jaws"

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“The Food of the Gods” (1976)

More H.G. Wells in pretty much name only (or at least half-a-name, as the source story is called “The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth”), “The Food of the Gods” reduces Wells’ complex and subversive sci-fi tale to an ‘Ecology Strikes Back’ scenario in which a bunch of mysterious bubblin’ crud turns a bunch of critters into rampaging beasts that proceed to kill off the inhabitants of a remote island. Directed by monster master Bert I. Gordon, but his heart doesn’t seem to be in this one, despite a few clever (and gory) set pieces; this film also has the distinct honor of winning the Golden Turkey Award for Worst Rodent Movie of All Time. You mean the truly wretched “Graveyard Shift” is officially the “better” movie. . .?


“Graveyard Shift” (1990)

Okay, maybe “wretched” is too harsh a term to describe this cheap Stephen King quickie about a bunch of textile mill workers being killed off one by one by a rat-bat-pig mutant-thing (can you think of a better way to describe it?). Brad Dourif is, as always, a joy to watch, here playing a wacko exterminator with at least one monologue’s worth of harrowing Vietnam stories; Stephen Macht’s truly bizarre performance as the sadistic foreman makes for quite the cinematic oddity as well. It’s a Coke can that ultimately saves the day before finally cutting to the closing credits, which are set to a strange ditty mixed to bite-sized snippets of the film’s dialogue (“What’s YOUR problem, boy?”). Weird.


“Grizzly” (1976)

Oh come on, “Grizzly” (aka “Killer Grizzly,” which sounds cooler but might ultimately be redundant in the context of a horror film) is nothing like “Jaws.” Just because it features a rather large animal preying upon hapless tourists — one of which is played by Susan Backlinie, the skinny-dipper given the honor of being the first victim in “Jaws” — doesn’t mean it’s anything like Steven Spielberg’s summer blockbuster. Really, how can you say a movie in which a skilled yet inexperienced Chief Ranger teams up with a nerdy naturalist and a gruff forest guide to hunt down the beast after a naive authority figure refuses to close the recreation area where the attacks have taken place is anything like “Jaws?” You don’t see any damn ocean in this movie, do you? Just sit back and watch nature take its course.


“Jaws” (1975)

See above, except replace “Chief Ranger” with “Police Chief,” “naturalist” with “marine biologist” and “forest guide” with “shark hunter.” Oh, and throw “a thousand times better than most movies ever” somewhere in there, too.


“Man’s Best Friend” (1993)

Lance Henriksen has been experimenting on canines, makin’ ’em super-smart and super-strong (and super-angry!); one of them (named Max, ’cause he’s a maximum kind of pooch) escapes and befriends animal lover Ally Sheedy, though she starts suspecting that something might be amiss after her new doggie buddy starts climbing trees and swallowing cats whole. Made back when “direct to video” just wasn’t as common an option as it is today, “Man’s Best Friend” might very well be the best-ever movie about a genetically altered Tibetan Mastiff starring the goth chick from “The Breakfast Club” and Bishop from “Aliens.” Max’s vocal effects were provided by Frank Welker, who knows a thing or two about dog-speak after making similar noises for “Cujo” ten years earlier.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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