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Five Sylvester Stallone roles in order of scariness


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Tonight we are taking up arms. Specifically Sylvester Stallone’s arms and we are helping him wage the righteous war against Donald Sutherland a.k.a. Warden Drumgoole. You see, in “Lock Up,” which airs at 10:30 p.m. ET, Stallone’s character Frank Leone is nearing the end of his prison term for a relatively minor crime and eager to get back to life with his lovely lady. However, just before he is paroled Warden Drumgoole takes charge and he has some revenge he would like to serve cold or hot. He doesn’t care. He just wants to make sure that Leone never sees the light of day. You see, Drumgoole was assigned to this hell-hole prison after he was publicly humiliated by Leone and now he will do anything in his power to make sure he remains on our list of Top 12 Most Evil Wardens.

Of course, Stallone is a bad ass in this role of tough-as-nails prisoner with a heart of gold. It’s his milieu. Hard on the outside but soft and gooey as a warm chocolate chip cookie on the inside. But when Stallone is scary, he is really really scary. Would you step in the ring with Rocky Balboa circa Rocky III? No. You probably wouldn’t even tussle with him as Sgt. Joe Bomowski in “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot,” because Sylvester Stallone is just built to inspire fear in all comers.

Here are five Stallone roles in order of scariness:

5. Lieutenant Cobra Cobretti in “Cobra”

Cobra is a righteous, violent, take-no-prisoners cop on a mission. In short: scary.

4. John Spartan in “Demolition Man”

Spartan is a cop taken out of cryogenic freeze in order to fight his criminally insane nemesis (Wesley Snipes).

3. Machine Gun Joe Viterbo in “Death Race 2000”

Have you seen that guy’s car?

2. John Rambo in “First Blood Part 2”

It’s the rare sequel that’s just as good as the original, Rambo takes the action and the scariness to a whole new level.

1. John Rambo in “First Blood”

Like “Les Miserables” for the ‘Nam set, veteran John Rambo is arrested trying to get something to eat. When he escapes a manhunt is launched and so is a one-man war.

“Lock Up” airs on IFC tonight at 10:30 p.m. ET

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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