With Christmas just around the corner, the Onion News Network knows that parents are lining up at disreputable hardware stores across the nation to get their hands on this holiday season’s most sought-after item: A bucket of vivid, low-odor Chinese paint:
Here are some other ideas from the Onion News Network for the lucky gift recipients in your life:
The tech geeks on your Christmas shopping list have been sacrificing gingerbread men to Santa trying to get their hands on an iHand. Help them out by picking up one of these little wonder gadgets:
That said, the true Apple aficionado will settle for nothing less than Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck.:
On every teenage boy’s wish list, a new robot that warns you when someone’s about to walk in on you masturbating. The remarkable, cutting edge TYSO robot uses radio wave technology to notify the user that someone’s about to bust in on him while he’s jacking it:
For the music fan in your life, obviously you’ll want to pick up K’ronikka’s hit “Booty Wave,” even if it does symbolize the end of civilization as we know it.