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DID YOU READ

Man in Coma Enters GOP Race; Already Polling Ahead of Romney

Man in Coma Enters GOP Race; Already Polling Ahead of Romney (photo)

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Onion News Network to Air Special Report Tonight at 10/9c

New York, NY (October 17, 2011) – In a dramatic turn for the 2012 presidential race, comatose former congressman John Clarkson threw his hat into the ring for the Republican nomination today, and early polls show the immobile, bedridden candidate already ahead of his competition.

Clarkson, who has been in a coma since 2003, has a four-point lead over previous frontrunner Mitt Romney among likely voters according to an Onion News Network poll. Surveys indicate that while Clarkson cannot move or speak, many see him as “more likable” than Romney. “Of all the Republican candidates, [Clarkson] is the one I’d most like to have a beer with, if beer can go in his IV,” systems analyst Paul Lancaster of Scranton, PA told Onion News Network reporters.

Clarkson’s entry into the race may also put a damper on the growing momentum of Herman Cain’s campaign. Polls show 54% of voters see Cain’s proposed “9-9-9” tax plan as “making less sense” than Clarkson’s plan of lolling his head to the side and breathing shallowly.

The poll also finds a majority of voters see Clarkson as having “better stage presence” than Texas governor Rick Perry. Clarkson, who is typically strapped to a gurney and wheeled onstage by a team of nurses for campaign rallies, was said to “look more engaged” during public appearances than Rick Perry by most of those surveyed. “Clarkson’s eyes sometimes appear to follow light or movement,” teacher Sara Kramer of Ventura, CA told pollsters. “But when you look at Rick Perry, and you can just tell there is no brain activity at all going on there.”

Ron Paul, while still maintaining a base of hard-core supporters, also polls behind Clarkson. “I like Ron Paul’s policy ideas,” said mechanic Michael Owens of Glassboro, NJ, “But I want to vote for someone who realistically has a better shot at actually winning, like this guy in the coma.”

Clarkson is also polling far ahead of candidates Michelle Bachmann, whom most voters ruled out for being “utterly batshit nuts”, and Newt Gingrich, whom a majority of voters did not remember was still in the race.

The Onion News Network will carry a full report on Clarkson’s 2012 campaign tomorrow at 10/9c on IFC.

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…