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Onion News Network To Broadcast Asteroid Destroying Earth

Onion News Network To Broadcast Asteroid Destroying Earth (photo)

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Asteroid To Destroy Earth
Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet’s Final Moments

NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) – With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is destroyed.

“We are very excited to cover the annihilation of Earth,” said Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. “You can count on us to be your number one end-of-humanity news source.”

While most other cable news outlets will be shutting down so their staff can spend their final hours with their loved ones, the Onion News Network’s “Loyalty Contract” which all employees must sign means the network will be able to stay on-air even as the asteroid slams into the planet, incinerating us all in a wave of fire. “We are expecting our ratings to go through the roof,” said Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. “Advertising rates have been tripled for when the asteroid enters our atmosphere, as that is when viewership is expected to peak. From a business perspective, the end of the world will be very good for us.”

The Onion News Network is preparing to make their coverage of the apocalypse a must-see television event. Correspondents will be standing by around the world to give live reports on humanity’s final moments, a countdown clock will keep viewers constantly updated on how many minutes they have left to live, and Washington pundits will debate the political implications of the destruction of all life as we know it. Viewers who are not sobbing uncontrollably or cowering in their basements can take part in the coverage, sending their Tweets, Facebook messages, and UReport videos to the Onion News Network’s interactive website.

“The goal is to keep viewers watching right up until their eyeballs are melted out of their heads and the skin is blasted off their skeletons in the horrendous shockwave,” says Ms. Alvarez. “If there are any particles of your flesh left floating in the vacuum of space after the asteroid hits, rest assured they will be very well-informed particles.”

Season two of “Onion News Network” premieres Tuesday, October 4 at 10pm ET/PT on IFC

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…