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Onion News Network to Air Gov. Rick Perry’s First Public Execution

Onion News Network to Air Gov. Rick Perry’s First Public Execution (photo)

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Perry To Make Executing Prisoners Central Campaign Theme

NEW YORK, NY (SEPTEMBER 9, 2011) – In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last night’s GOP debate, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry has announced public executions will become a centerpiece of his 2012 campaign. The Onion News Network will be airing the first of these executions live in an exclusive
television event next Tuesday.

Beginning at 10/9 central, Gov. Perry will take the stage before a crowd of supporters at the Onion News Network’s election headquarters along with a prisoner strapped to a gurney. After a few opening remarks, Perry will personally administer a series of injections of pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride to the prisoner. When the prisoner has stopped convulsing and is confirmed dead, Perry will give a short speech on job creation before taking questions from the audience.

The event will mark the first stop in Perry’s “Ultimate Justice” campaign tour, in which the governor is scheduled to personally kill over 200 prisoners at various campaign stops in small towns and big cities across the country.

“I expect the executions to be a huge boost to Perry’s campaign,” says Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. “As we saw at the debate, this is what his supporters want. [Perry] is proving he’s not just going to talk the talk, he’s willing to actually take human lives.”

The executions may also be a boon to Perry’s fundraising efforts. The Perry campaign has already sent out invitations to a black-tie dinner at which the night’s biggest donors will be given handguns and allowed to shoot convicts in the face. Those making smaller contributions will receive pieces of the dead prisoner’s body to keep as souvenirs.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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