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Onion News Network Launches Channel for the Poor

Onion News Network Launches Channel for the Poor (photo)

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“Onion Destitute Channel” Will Cater To Growing Demographic Of Americans Living In Poverty

NEW YORK, NY (September 15, 2011) – Following this week’s report from the U.S. Census Bureau that more Americans than ever are living below the poverty line, the Onion News Network is pleased to announce the launch of the “Onion Destitute Channel,” the first television network catering specifically to the poor.

“With the number of Americans in poverty rising for the fourth year in a row, there has never been a better time to tap into this rapidly growing demographic,” says Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. “For the 46.2 million of you barely making enough money to feed your children: Finally there’s a TV channel for you.”

ODC will offer an exciting mix of news and entertainment programming focusing on the poor lifestyle. Fashion show “Off The Rack,” hosted by laid-off Detroit bus driver Marcus Plath, highlights the hottest trends from TJ Maxx and the Salvation Army. Cooking show “Patti’s Kitchen” features disabled former autoworker Patti Clark teaching viewers how to whip up tasty dishes like ramen with ketchup, beans, and beans with ketchup. And home-improvement program “Ace Your Space” shows former interior designer turned scrap-metal-salvager Alan Robinson sprucing up real families’ cars each week to make them more livable.

ODC will also feature informative programs like “House Call” a medical show which instructs viewers without health insurance how to treat chronic injuries themselves using items easily foraged from dumpsters, as well as primetime sitcoms like “The New Crew” about a group of sexy single friends living in a housing project who are constantly stressed out and crying because they don’t have enough money to pay the rent and are frequently being robbed. Several suffer from rickets.

“The great thing about this network is that its viewership is guaranteed to increase steadily for the foreseeable future,” says Zweibel. “The only thing we are worried about is the economy improving. Hahahahahahahahaha. I am joking.”

For more from the Onion News Network, follow us on Twitter @ONN and use the hashmark #onionnewsnetwork. We are listening. Always.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…