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DID YOU READ

Onion News Network Claims Responsibility for East Coast Hurricane and Earthquake

Onion News Network Claims Responsibility for East Coast Hurricane and Earthquake (photo)

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New York, NY (August 26, 2011) – Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida. Shedding light on this situation, The Onion News Network announced today that both events were caused by the omnipresent hand of the most powerful name in cable news, The Onion News Network.

For decades The Onion News Network has been developing a machine called the DXG-479, also known as the Disastronome XG-479, designed to create natural disasters at will. The science behind the machine is too complicated for most Americans to understand, but suffice to say it involves thousands of hydraulic pistons buried deep in the Earth’s crust, harnessing the gravitational pull of the moon. This week the world saw the results of The Onion News Network’s initial tests of the Disastronome.

The purpose of building this machine is obvious: It will allow The Onion News Network to become even more dominant as the world’s number-one cable news channel.

Bracing for slow news days in the not too distant future where the only headlines are about Obama giving up on another policy debate and Kim Kardashian’s divorce proceedings, the network eagerly awaits the opportunity to utilize this newfound technology.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a tornado can touch down directly on top of a fireworks factory filled with elementary school students on a field trip. The Onion News Network will be first to the scene ahead of time to start cameras rolling.

“The Disastronome is every cable news journalist’s dream,” said The Onion News Network’s lead anchor Brooke Alvarez. “The footage will be glorious: Children running for their lives as the tornado whips the fireworks up into a whirling funnel of explosions. An animated headline and my face will swoosh onto every TV screen in America reading ‘Special Report: Twister Terror Grips The Heartland.'”

With the Disastronome, The Onion News Network can now cover a new catastrophe every day of the week, from mud slides to wildfires to never-before-seen natural disasters such as thundernadoes and lava blizzards.

Follow the Onion News Network on Twitter: @ONN and use #onionnewsnetwork in your tweets.

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th at 10pm on IFC.

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…