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Five things we hope to see in the “Evil Dead” remake

Five things we hope to see in the “Evil Dead” remake (photo)

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With the recent news that the “Evil Dead” remake actually appears to be moving ahead, (with Diablo Cody punching up the script, no less) we’ve been thinking about Sam Raimi’s seminal horror-comedy flick more than usual, which frankly, we didn’t even think was possible.

So, in honor of the news that we may get our first taste of the “Evil Dead” franchise since 1992’s “Army of Darkness,” we’ve assembled the top five things we want to see in the upcoming remake. But don’t worry, Diablo Cody-haters, you won’t find “quippy pop culture references” or “hamburger phones” anywhere on this list.

1) Traditional Special Effects
One of the things that made the original “Evil Dead” so charming were all the low-rent special effects. Unfortunately, given that it’s the year 2011, Lionsgate is most likely going to CG the hell out of this thing, especially since its being helmed by Fede Álvarez, the guy who directed that “Ataque de Pánico!” short with all the giant robots. But, we’re still holding out hope that they’ll find some room for puppets, latex and oh-so-creepy stop-motion animation.

2) Skin
While we’re not huge fans of how much contemporary films use shoddy computer generated imagery, we are definitely in favor of another recent development: Excessive eye candy. It’s not that Bruce Campbell wasn’t a handsome guy (if you’re into chins, he’s the absolute tops), but his cast-mates were kind of exceptionally 80s – and not in the good way either. Why not take the opportunity to pretty up the women who get subjected to all those awful things?

3) Tree Rape
Speaking of awful things happening to women, how about that tree rape scene? After three decades, the thing is still terrifying, stomach-churning and, honestly, kind of darkly comical. We’re not the kind of creeps that enjoy rapes on film or anything, but not only is this scene a great moment in the movie, it also sets up a crucial demon infestation. Here’s hoping that the tree rape scene doesn’t get sacrificed in the name of political correctness, a lower rating, or, you know, good taste.

4) Bruce Campbell

The original Ashley “Ash” J. Williams, Bruce Campbell, is already signed on to be a producer in the new “Evil Dead” remake, but it’s just not enough for us. Campbell certainly shouldn’t play the lead – that role should go to someone younger with an even bigger chin (fingers crossed) – but it would be a crying shame for Campbell to not appear anywhere in the flick. Even a “Spider-Man”-style cameo would be enough for us.

5) Chainsaw Hand
In the original “Evil Dead” series, Ash didn’t grab his nuts (one-handed) and strap a chainsaw onto his arm until the second movie. But what’s the point of a remake if you don’t correct the mistakes of the past? You can call it eating your dessert before dinner if you want, but not putting a chainsaw hand in this movie (or any movie, really) is just leaving money on the table.

What would you like to see in the “Evil Dead” remake? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook and Twitter!

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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