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Coldplay’s “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall”: Give Us Katy Perry, Please

Coldplay’s “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall”: Give Us Katy Perry, Please (photo)

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Coldplay‘s timing, at least, is impeccable: This morning, the band released “Every Teardrop is a Waterfall,” the first single from its as-yet untitled new album with Brian Eno again behind the boards. It has the feel of an instant summer hit, with a gigantic sound saturated by organ and lifted by a heavy acoustic guitar strum, a circular electric riff that shoots for the stars, and a four-on-the-floor backbeat that begs for club remixes. The song’s barely been out for a few hours, and someone somewhere is probably already riding around with their convertible’s top down, singing the title along with Chris Martin. Fair warning: This hook will probably be unavoidable for the next few months. The production is that big, that certain, that assured. It kind of can’t miss.

But when it comes to songwriting, Mr. Martin’s latest folly is pseudo-inspirational claptrap. “This is, one can assume, a deeply personal song that Martin wrote for … everybody in the entire world,” James Montgomery at MTV notes, saying that these words are personal, the song universal. But if these lyrics–an unfocused swirl of meaningless metaphors about being the space between trapezes, being a period and not a comma, being a physiological metronome for your favorite song–are personal, Martin must be sort of crazy. He’s hurling spitballs of empty inspiration for rebellion and pride and soaring, none of them connected, none of them actually saying much at all.

As simple and pedantic as Katy Perry’s “Firework” is, it achieved the same goal–everything will be OK, just keep going–with a much more communicative approach. Like Martin, she sang about being buried, but Perry made that image make sense within the song’s framework. Martin, however, jumps from burial to commas to, at the end, speculating that “Every siren is a symphony.” When you’re probably the biggest band in the world and the season of singles is fast approaching, you’d better have something ready for your allegiant iTunes fans. And “Teardrop” will indeed probably make it through the summer. But by the time most people sing “My pulses start cathedrals in my heart” for the 67th time, maybe they’ll realize that this is a song about nothing–over the long run, a hit for no one.

Are we missing something? Is this actually the best bit of lyricism since “Friday”?

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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