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Schwarzen-Watch: The Sound of Sad Arnold

Schwarzen-Watch: The Sound of Sad Arnold (photo)

Posted by on’s film writer, Matt Singer, is the biggest Arnold Schwarzenegger fan on the planet. He blogs any time any news about Schwarzenegger’s return to acting, no matter how flimsy or improbable, hits the Internet.

So many people keep sending me this link, I figured I better Schwarzen-Watch it even though, strictly speaking, it doesn’t fall under this column’s purview. It is, a new twist on the old Internet meme of Schwarzenegger soundboards and prank phone calls.

Sad Arnold describes itself thusly: “if Arnold Schwarzenegger’s most famous characters were clinically depressed, this is what they would sound like.” Embedded therein are 38 famous Arnold lines and sound effects, everything from “It’s not a tumor!” from “Kindergarten Cop” to “What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” from “Batman and Robin.” But instead of the original audio recordings, they’re all read by a Schwarzenegger imitator who sounds like he forgot to take his Cymbalta. Gone is the defiant Douglas Quaid of “Total Recall;” now when he tells Sharon Stone “Consider that a divorce,” it’s not because he shot her in the head and needed a cool one liner; it’s because they’ve actually gone through a protracted divorce which has drained him of both his financial resources and the will to live.

Websites like Sad Arnold are just another indication of the Schwarzenegger’s continued influence on popular culture. I see the way other people write about my beloved Governator these days; he’s old, he’s washed up, he’s a joke. But Schwarzenegger was in on the joke from the very beginning of his career (okay, maybe not the very beginning; have you seen “Hercules in New York?”). Here is a 63 year old who hasn’t made a movie in eight years and he’s got more pop culture currency on the Internet than many contemporary movie stars. One reason behind his enduring popularity is that Schwarzenegger, despite his obvious limitations as an actor, was never afraid to put himself out on a limb and look a little bit silly. What many of the action stars who’ve tried to replace him fail to realize is that it’s not simply about looking cool; it’s about looking like you’re having fun while you’re doing it. Schwarzenegger made it look fun to be an emotionless killer robot. So maybe he wasn’t quite as bad an actor as everyone said.

So go enjoy Sad Arnold and put… the cookie… down.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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