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Schwarzen-Watch: Arnold Plans to “Cry Macho”

Schwarzen-Watch: Arnold Plans to “Cry Macho” (photo)

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IFC.com’s film writer, Matt Singer, is the biggest Arnold Schwarzenegger fan on the planet. He blogs any time any news about Schwarzenegger’s return to acting, no matter how flimsy or improbable, hits the Internet.

Arnold Schwarzenegger may not be a robot, but he’s working like a machine. If you’re a regular reader of Schwarzen-Watch, you already know about his new cartoon series “The Governator” and his attempts to get a fifth “Terminator” off the ground. Last night, The Hollywood Reporter reported about a third project, a starring vehicle that they say “will mark his return to the big screen.” It’s entitled “Cry Macho” based on a 1975 novel by N. Richard Nash about “a down-on-his-luck horse trainer who is hired to kidnap a 9-year-old boy.” From their report:

“Schwarzenegger, 63, will play Mike, a once well-regarded horse trainer whose wife and son have died. His former boss makes him an over he can’t refuse: $400,000 to kidnap the boss’ trust fund son, who is living with the man’s ex-wife in Mexico. But when Mike locates the boy, a real troublemaker, the ex-wife doesn’t want the kid. But as Mike and the boy head back to the states, with the Federales are on their trail, they develop a father-son bond of their own.”

Mmmm, that dependable action movie staple, the Federales. I look forward to the terrible puns Arnold will make about their name while punching them in the face.

Obviously, I’m going from the barest of bare bones plot synopses here, but it looks like “Cry Macho” shares some strong connections with classic Schwarzenegger material. In particular, the notion of Arnold becoming an adopted father figure to a child was a major theme during the second phase of his career when he moved away from more violent, adult-oriented action films like “Conan” and “Commando” and began to cater to a younger, wider audience. Schwarzenegger movies from “Kindergarten Cop” to “Terminator 2” to “Last Action Hero” all involve the Governator forming a surrogate family with a young, fatherless boy. Arnold’s older now, and the kid he’d be sorta-adopting would be older as well, but it doesn’t surprise me that this idea still holds some cache for him. “Last Action Hero” notwithstanding, he had enormous success with that model.

And, of course, the whole idea of being super macho and crying, has Schwarzen-resonances as well. Don’t forget the last line the Terminator utters to John Connor in “T2” just before — SPOILER ALERT! — he’s lowered to his demise in a vat of molten steel: “I know now why you cry.” And there was a real bittersweet quality to all of the movies in the most recent phase of Schwarzenegger’s film career. “End of Days” “Terminator 3” and “Collateral Damage” all involve his characters’ deaths or failures. The broad brush description from THR actually sounds like a late-period Arnold approach to mid-period Arnold subject matter.

And no, I don’t think I’ve overthought this and yes, I do think “Cry Macho” is a great title.

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…