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Schwarzen-Watch: All Arnold Projects on Hold

Schwarzen-Watch: All Arnold Projects on Hold (photo)

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IFC.com’s film writer, Matt Singer, is the biggest Arnold Schwarzenegger fan on the planet. He blogs any time any news about Schwarzenegger’s return to acting, no matter how flimsy or improbable, hits the Internet.

It’s been a busy week here at Schwarzen-Watch. But I have a feeling this could be this column’s last installment for a while. Because, like the T-800 in that convenience store, Schwarzenegger’s put his hand up, and now he’s called a halt to all of his projects.

With the continuing scandal around his love child with his family’s longtime housekeeper, it’s become a less-than-ideal time to relaunch a movie career. That means no “Cry Macho,” no “Terminator 5,” and definitely no “The Governator” for the foreseeable future. Here’s his representation’s official statement, from Entertainment Weekly:

“At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently underway or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice… Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes ‘Cry Macho,’ ‘The Terminator’ franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

To me, this is just further validation of all my theories about his career. I’ve always argued in the face of skeptics that Schwarzenegger is a personal filmmaker. His movie look like violent killfests — any they are! — but they’re also violent killfests with a deep emotional connection to the guy who was making them. If, as some argue, Schwarzenegger can’t act and he’s always playing himself, then basically every single movie he’s made has revealed another facet of his personality. And I think he was going to start doing that all over again with his new projects. But now the parallels between his real life and his cinematic life which were previously buried too deep for most people to notice are front and center for all to see.

Consider “Cry Macho,” which was going to be about a man who becomes a surrogate father to a kid he’s been hired to kidnap. “The Governator” would have turned Schwarzenegger, playing a cartoon version of himself, into a literal superhero-by-night, a veritable rebuke of the aging process that the actor was repeatedly exploring in his last batch of movies before he went to Hollywood. And of course every “Terminator” movie represents something to Schwarzenegger: the first, his power; the second, his growing sense of familial responsibility; his third, his fear of failure, and the chance that he might screw something up and basically ruin his entire world (foreshadowing!).

This won’t be the end of Schwarzenegger; if Mel Gibson can get a second (and a third, and a fourth) chance, so can Arnold. Just don’t hold your breath for his next movie (or children’s cartoon show… yeah, maybe that was just a bad idea in the first place). When he finally returns, will he stick with such nakedly personal projects? Or will his violent killfests finally become the mindless exercises they’ve always been taken for? Regardless, when it happens, I’ll be around.

Wait, I mean back! I’ll be back. Duh.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…