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Schwarzen-Watch: Arnold Plans Autobiographical Cartoon Series — UPDATED

Schwarzen-Watch: Arnold Plans Autobiographical Cartoon Series — UPDATED (photo)

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IFC.com’s film writer, Matt Singer, is the biggest Arnold Schwarzenegger fan on the planet. He blogs any time any news about Schwarzenegger’s return to acting, no matter how flimsy or improbable, hits the Internet.

UPDATE 04/04/2011: Here is the just-released teaser for “The Governator” series, which, apparently, will be preceded by “The Governator” comic books and followed by “The Governator” video game and “The Governator” movie. After that, I imagine, comes “The Governator:” The Flamethrower. The kids love that one.

As for the teaser itself, we a get a brief taste of Ahnold being Ahnold (talking to an animated Larry King — which is maybe the most oxymoronic phrase I’ve ever written on this site) but it mostly consists of dialogue-free generic action. I understand it’s a children’s cartoon, but really, if The Governator isn’t going to kill people in clever ways and then make terrible puns about it, what’s the point?

Entertainment Weekly reports that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new project — the one, methinks, that we vaguely discussed in the last Schwarzen-Watch — will be a cartoon series developed with Marvel Comics legend (and Spider-Man and Fantastic Four co-creator) Stan Lee entitled “The Governator.” According to Lee:

“We’re using all the personal elements of Arnold’s life. We’re using his wife [Maria Shriver]. We’re using his kids. We’re using the fact that he used to be governor. Only after he leaves the governor’s office, Arnold decides to become a crime fighter and builds a secret high-tech crime-fighting center under his house in Brentwood.”

To a kid who grew up on Schwarzenegger movies and comic books, this is a surreal moment. As I tweeted last night, and as Schwarzenegger himself retweetedyes, it IS a big deal to me — It’s like every drunken bar conversation I’ve ever had had sex with every crazy childhood dream I ever had and then they had a baby and called “The Governator.” Honestly, it’s so mind-blowing, I’m not still entirely convinced this isn’t some mammoth April Fools’ joke designed to crush my spirit. And if I’m promised “The Governator” and then it doesn’t happen, my spirit will be crushed.

EW‘s article fills out the cast a little bit — his archenemies will be “Gangsters Imposters Racketeers Liars & Irredeemable Ex-cons (or G.I.R.L.I.E. Men, for short)” — but obviously there are a lot of details to fill in. Bodybuilding’s a must, as well as a scene where The Governator compares the thrill of catching bad guys to the pleasure of an orgasm. I’d like to see a character named Sully, who Schwarzenegger can kill, “South Park” style, in every single episode (preferably while saying “Remember when I said I’d kill you last Sully? I lied.“). Obviously John Milius should play The Governator’s Q-ish armorer. And the lead villain should look like Robert Patrick (or maybe Shane Black). Oh, and James Cameron can play Schwarzenegger’s sidekick (The Avateer!) and they can go scout locations for movies in Brazil together and then bump into the Predator and fight him. Sigh… it’s just so beautiful.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…