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The Onion News Network: News Without Mercy

The Onion News Network: News Without Mercy (photo)

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The Onion News Network launched yesterday, not with one of their arsenal of attack satellites, but with a luncheon at the Paley Center for Media. Brooke Alvarez and Tucker Hope joined Today Now! co-hosts Jim Haggerty and Tracy Gill to talk shop with Jonathan Alter of Newsweek (don’t worry, it’s not competition).

The crack news team promised in-depth investigative reporting, such as their hard-hitting revelation that Facebook is actually a CIA tracking tool, which has saved the government millions in setting up sting operations, by allowing operatives to see what events you RSVP to so they can send in the agents. Tucker Hope also recommended that we tune in on Jan. 21 when he will mark the day the hand job was created as part of his series on great days in history. With more attack satellites than any other network and nearly a million surveillance cameras in cities, homes, and high-level government offices across the nation, the Onion News Network is the nation’s number-one source for breaking news, screaming political arguments, and vital information on missing teenage Caucasian girls.

During the Q & A session following the presentation, lead news personality Brooke Alvarez was asked who she looked up to. Her reply: “No one, really.” Then reporter asked Tucker Hope if the news team felt the need to cover stories with flashy catch phrases. Tucker Hope replied, “We’re not doing anything different than what FOX is doing. We’re just doing it on a more popular network.”

Before the discussion started, Brooke Alvarez passed out signed photos of herself, naturally, for those in the audience. Following the panel she was swarmed by adoring stalkers and fans.

The Onion News Network will dominate the air beginning January 21st at 10 p.m. ET/PT

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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