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Let Nothing You Dismay Except These Five Christmas Horror Movies

Let Nothing You Dismay Except These Five Christmas Horror Movies (photo)

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Christmas time is here with it all the requisite dancing sugar plums, gingerbread men in little icing suits, and cars wrapped in oversized bows. But after all that goodness don’t you want something to wash all that treacle and sweetness out of your mouth? How about some delectable Christmas horror to slap that giddy grin off your face? I mean, would it be Christmas without a “Santa Claws” marathon? Yes, the Santa slasher flick penned and directed by James Russo, co-writer of the classic Night of the Living Dead. But James Russo is not alone in his love of Bad Santa (no, not that one), lots of actors got their start as Santa’s victims and some of the most Christmasy directors around started with evil ideas dancing in their heads instead of sugar plums. So in no particular order, here are some of the scariest, wackiest, worst, and best of the Christmas horror genre.

While it was tempting to put Michael Keaton’s “Jack Frost” on this list because a snowman zombie hybrid is pretty terrifying, that film already has a slot on our worst Christmas movies list. Besides, there’s the other “Jack Frost”. The one with the murderous Frosty that kickstarted Shannon Elizabeth’s, shall we say, career.

While by today’s standards “Silent Night Deadly Night”, released in 1984, is pretty tame, the idea of a killer dressed as good old Santy Claus raised the ire of everyone from the PTA to the church. According to trusted news source Wikipedia, the premise even caused Siskel and Ebert to read the film’s production credits on air, saying “shame, shame” after each one. Can you imagine being the key grip and getting called out by Gene Siskel?

While the title was either “Silent Night, Evil Night” or “Black Christmas” depending on where you live, the plot did not change. Basically a deranged killer is running wild in a sorority house and not in the fun “Porky’s” sort of way. And he could of, because “Black Christmas” and “Porky’s” were both directed by Bob Clark. Know what else Bob Clark made? The perennial holiday favorite “A Christmas Story”. I guess we’re lucky Ralphie didn’t get slashed.

Pro Tip: Parents when you are buying last minute gifts for your kids, please make sure the toy has not been magically imbued with malificent spirit of a dying murderer. Seriously, “Child’s Play” is nothing if not a cautionary tale for Christmas.

Don’t feed them after midnight, don’t get them wet, and don’t watch “Gremlins” with your young children:

Bonus Round: When you see the trailer for “Gingerdead Men” ask yourself, was there really no other movie that could have been made? Nothing? Okay then.

IFC is airing an all day Freaks and Geeks marathon on Christmas day. It starts at 6 a.m. ET

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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