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Five Movies We Will Not Be Showing On Christmas

Five Movies We Will Not Be Showing On Christmas (photo)

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You’ve been warned that Santa knows when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake. But based on the above image, you may need to include David Hasselhoff on that list, too. Sadly, I can’t find a point of origin for the David Hasselhoff image above (do you know? do tell in the comments), but to be clear: We are not showing that on Christmas. Or playing that if it’s an album cover. Or opening whatever that present is in his hand. Or really going anywhere near that man peering through our windows. No, no. Come Christmas morning, pretend you’re a kid again and wake up at the crack of dawn, heck maybe even bang a drum to wake your parents, because beginning at 6 a.m. ET we are showing Freaks and Geeks all day and all night. We start with the pilot episode and run the rest of the day and into the night. Merry Christmas indeed.

The holidays have inspired a lot of entertainment options. For example, we were inspired to kick off the 12 Days of Judd Apatow, while others thought that “Christmas with the Kranks” was a great idea. Here are some of the movies we will not be showing on Christmas day so we can bring you a Freaks and Geeks marathon. You’re welcome.

“Jack Frost” featured Michael Keaton as a dead father who is reincarnated as a snowman. On the plus side it may be the sweetest zombie movie ever:

The unnecessary remake of “Miracle on 34th Street” is just plain wrong, despite the presence of Richard Attenborough. Since when does Santa whack the other Santas? And why is Dylan McDermott? And why the courtroom scene re-write to ruin the entire thing?

While we love Abel Ferrara’s work in “Bad Lieutenant”, we don’t think of him as a Christmas movie director. Yet, “R Xmas”. It stars Drea Di Matteo, Lillo Brancato (currently in real prison), and Ice T as not elves. Sorry about the Portuguese subtitles on the trailer, I guess the film just wasn’t that popular:

“Santa with Muscles” should fall into the category of so-bad-it’s-good, but it falls far far short of that distinction. Hulk Hogan stars as “Santa with an Attitude”, “Santa with a Mission”, and, naturally, “Santa with Muscles”:

While I personally will watch Rob Lowe in anything (what? don’t you judge me!) the most notable exception to that rule is “The Christmas Shoes”. If Mama meets Jesus tonight at least she won’t have to watch this travesty. Just saying.

The IFC Freaks and Geeks Christmas marathon starts at 6 a.m. ET

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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