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In Rainbows, pass the dutchie.

In Rainbows, pass the dutchie. (photo)

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I was in Maui, Hawaii for a few short days for a family reunion thing, though none of my family is from there. I didn’t get to sail around with island girls playing the ukulele and drinking at sunset on a catamaran like I wanted so it was kind of a wasted trip. Although admittedly, just standing on Hawaii for a few days is pretty nice. It’s cooler there than it is in NY too.

Usually when I go somewhere I try to delve into the local music but that’s not so easy on Maui. I fear the local music is ever more the sound of a driver smacking a golf ball. Such a shame, those golf courses, where once there were sugar and coffee plantations exploiting the land and the people as far as the eye could see. Now the people aren’t even exploited, they’re hardly there at all. Most run off with runaway cost of living. A burger was $18 on Kaanapali beach. I think you got a little slice of pineapple though.

Those Polynesians navigated their twin hulled catamarans with nothing but the constellations thousands of miles in like 500 AD when Europeans were still hugging coastlines and not bathing. The Polynesian settlers found paradise and kept it nice for a millennium until “we” arrived. Later, in 1893 the last sovereign of Hawaii, Queen Liliʻuokalani was overthrown and deposed by powerful businessmen interested in sugar and coffee. Hawaii became ours. Now there are golf courses and $18 beach burgers.

But just look at that rainbow over me. Incredible isn’t it? It’s like that everyday, they are everywhere, sometimes in pairs! What’s crazy is that all the fat people whaling on the beach didn’t seem to care. They had their burgers and their tans. Well, I thought it was the best. I tried to climb the mountain and touch it, but never did find it once I was up there. Tricksy things.

Below the magic sky were the Hawaiian airlines ground crews, who I found played the only good music the whole time I was there. Everything is open air there you know, so while walking through the concourses you can lean out and watch them driving around. I always peep the ground crews and watch the little luggage cars at airports and I’ve never seen a happier crew than the one at Honolulu International. Still some jobs for locals, it’s not all bad. These guys were cruising around in those little cars jamming to “Pass the Dutchie” absolutely blasting on some unseen sound system, in rainbows.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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