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The big dreams of Lou Illar, the guy who wrote “Sidekicks.”

The big dreams of Lou Illar, the guy who wrote “Sidekicks.” (photo)

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It already seems like ages ago that the “Karate Kid” remake came, conquered and moved on. But only now is Lou Illar, “known” for writing the 1992 Chuck Norris-Jonathan Brandis movie “Sidekicks,” has issued a statement to the press on the cinematic worthiness of his chosen martial art.

“Karate is tailor-made for the movies. It’s exciting to watch, and involves personal and spiritual components that make great story-telling devices,” Illar says in his press release, which notes he’s “in pre-production for ‘Sidekicks II’ while witnessing firsthand the resurgence of martial arts from his Louisiana Dojo”:

No doubt the continual popularity of “The Karate Kid” reflects America’s never ending admiration and support for those who selflessly achieve a moral victory. This flick nixes the love some kids have for things and replaces it with the moral respect that Americans still want to find in one another. “The Karate Kid” has and always will reflect American grit and morality!

Aside from “Sidekicks,” Illar self-published two books, the most recent one “Believe Me Or Your Lying Eyes”, which purports to tell “An Entertaining History of Casinos, Corruption and Charities in America” but which also appears to propose (at least from the excerpts I could read online) that Chuck Norris is among the things that are ruining America.

07082010_sidekicks.jpgYou’d think a man whose greatest claim to fame depended on Mr. Norris would not attempt to be his biggest enemy. But Illar claims Norris has tried to kid us “into believing him to be God’s messenger,” and that he has a tendency “to now withhold our freedom of thought and speech by expanding through a myriad of ‘trade mark’ registration documents his right to censor his past.”

One can only imagine how hostile chapter four — “Chuck Norris, The Author?” summarized in the table of contents with the questions “Would a movie star lie to us? Can a movie star lead three lives?” — is in comparison.

The irony of all this is that the kind of meat-and-potatoes action movie Norris stands for — the kind Illar is proposing the return of — are as fundamentally conservative as Norris’ politics. As the LA Times‘ Steven Zeitchik noted while attending ActionFest earlier this year, his fans like movies “in which bad guys are bad guys and good guys are good guys, none of this ‘Dark Knight’ moral relativism stuff.”

So if Illar wants to resurrect a certain breed of action film, but to liberal ends, he has quite a challenge ahead of him — especially if it means leading the way with “Sidekicks 2.”

[Photos: “The Karate Kid,” Sony, 1984; “Sidekicks,” Sony, 1992]

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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