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“Showgirls: Exposed,” wurst thing ever.

“Showgirls: Exposed,” wurst thing ever. (photo)

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The first time I saw this trailer (the director calls it a “photoplay”) for this sequel to 1995’s “Showgirl’s” I thought it was one of those horrible fan made vids that was mistaken for a real trailer. You know the ones on YouTube with the uploader comment, “lol this is my first video i luv showgurls hope u liek it lol.”

As sad as that is, the truth is even worse. A German director, Marc Vorlander, got his hands on some money and really made a sequel to one of the biggest turds of the 90’s. I love me some Paul Verhoeven, “Turkish Delight” is incredible and “Flesh+Blood” is one of my all time favorite medieval sex pictures. I quote “Total Recall” all the time, but “Showgirls” was a schizoid embolism, unfit for the human mind. I think it was the first major film, not straight out porn, that was made with genitalia in mind as the viewing audience. Well, now Vorlander has made another movie for your balls.

So I’m watching this trailer and I can’t get over how bad the music is, as usual. But this was bad music with video game bell tolls over piano lifted from “Halloween.” It’s painful, and that’s just the music. The rest might cause your pupils to hemorrhage. Then another trailer was released, and it’s as if it’s a spoof of the first one, except that it’s serious.

Twitch got their hands on this and wrote:

“Vorlander claims to have made this film with a twenty million dollar budget and if that is true then he is surely the worst director on the face of the planet or, perhaps, the most expensive director ever to be saddled with such cheap equipment.”

Vorlander read that and responded saying, “The difference between controversial art and crap is very easy: controversial art is hated, panned, discussed…[clipped bit about original “Showgirls” being case in point]. It’s demontrative that my work is acclaimed by many professionals from the industry and other artists and hated so much by folks that never made it there.”

Damn he really laid down to Twitch, but that’s always what douchebags say to people to try and harm them. I’m the hotshot etc, you’re just a poor x,y,z. Art or not, it’s shit. A 20 million dollar turd, if all the “photoplays” are any indication at all. The newer trailer below is, like I said even worse, especially the music. I get that Europeans listen to really shitty club music, but I’d think 20 million dollars could pay for something better – a wet bratwurst repeatedly slapping a kick drum would do.

I’ve never seen more female nudity and been less aroused (warning: NSFW at all). “Showgirls:Exposed” looks about as sexy as a Soviet prison in East Berlin. I think the graphics are from the same era. If you can get past the tortured Lord Vader lament in the beginning let me know. Here, you can almost smell the noxious cologne:

[via Film Drunk]

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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