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Real estate bargains: the Amityville house of horror.

Real estate bargains: the Amityville house of horror. (photo)

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Has life been a little dull of late? Are the days too long, hot and uneventful? Do you long for the kind of excitement that can only come when you’re being pelted with green slime and crucifixes are revolving? Do you feel like relocating to Long Island? You’re in luck: the original “Amityville Horror” house is up for sale; it’s been remodeled, and for $1.15 million it can be yours. Act now!

Five years ago, Manohla Dargis noted in a review of “Dark Water” that it was essentially “a horror movie about being shut out of the Manhattan real estate market”; Jennifer Connelly’s trouble starts when she has to move to (oh no!) Roosevelt Island. At least she didn’t have to move into The Dakota — where Mia Farrow got satanically impregnated in “Rosemary’s Baby,” uneasily foreshadowing John Lennon being gunned down there 12 years later.

There’s something about the horror genre that seems intricately tied up with the idea of real estate turning on you, be it for supernatural reasons (“Poltergeist” or, more recently, “Paranormal Activity”) or just because some random psychopaths are inexplicably trying to kill you (“The Strangers”).

05262010_halloween2.jpgThe horror comes to you, which is a fairly recent development. Up until “Psycho,” being scared and stalked could happen anywhere. (Remember the golden rule of vampires: you have to invite them into your house before they can enter.) I’d peg “Halloween” as the moment more and more horror films became about blameless people finding their domestic spheres invaded (which surely has more than a little to do with the ’70s general feeling that society was getting lawless and brutal).

The secret subtext, then, of many horror movies is — real estate, what it means to earn enough money to be a homeowner, the rigors and stresses of finding a locale, moving your family there, maintaining the place and trying to make sure your family doesn’t fall apart. That’s the real horror: that it can fall apart, with all that money and emotional investment gone to waste.

In any case, best of luck to whoever ends up in that house. You’re probably going to need it, if only to ward off tourists with cameras.

The “Amityville” trailer:

[Photos: “The Amityville Horror,” MGM/UA Home Entertainment, 1979; “Halloween,” Compass International Pictures, 1978]

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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