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“Commando” remake will be nothing without James Horner’s steel pan score.

“Commando” remake will be nothing without James Horner’s steel pan score. (photo)

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There’s so many Arnold Schwarzenegger movie remakes and old franchise inspired installments coming out, I’m convinced we’re entering a new phase of full on 80’s Ronnie Raygun longing. Those Republican talking points get to you after a while. Clearly, studio execs see the merit in keeping the good times alive.

There’s the continuing “I’ll be back” flicks, none of which do it as well as Arnold/James Cameron did, certainly not douchey McG. We’ve got a “Conan the Barbarian” in the works, which is extremely ill advised, although it does have Ron Perlman going for it.

Talking to Robert Rodriguez
the other day got me fired up about “Predators,” and it’s the only one of the bunch that doesn’t have a dire need for Arnold’s delivery. The original, which Rodriguez is mining for inspiration, was all about that tough crew to root for and the horror of that “ugly motherfucker.” Arnold was key, but a revisit doesn’t hinge on him.

That’s more than I can say for this remake of “Commando,” not staring Arnold Schwarzenegger, but someone “less brawny” directed by “Training Day” writer, David Ayer [Deadline]. Doesn’t matter how good of a writer (or director) you are, “Commando” was all about Arnie, his cigar-chomping-one-man-army John Matrix, and his atrociously hilarious one liners (Vernon Well’s Bennet had some good ones too).

And let’s not forget James Horner in his Caribbean calypso infused phase, deep in the 1980’s. The steel drum and lazy saxophone shit he was doing in “Commando” (and “48 Hours,” and “Another 48 Hrs.”) was so slick, so that moment in film scoring.

“Commando Theme” – James Horner. Jump to :30.

Put together, “Commando” can’t be outdone, it’s not even a remotely fair fight. We’ve already seen Matrix impale that Freddie Mercury looking guy on a steam pipe, Let off some steam, Bennett. Title the movie something else. How about “Raw Deal?” Oh wait…

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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