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Review: “Open House,” when real estate attacks.

Review: “Open House,” when real estate attacks. (photo)

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Reviewed at the 2010 Tribeca Film Festival.

“Open House” is a horror movie about a world where soulless monsters lurk everywhere, awaiting the slightest opportunity to prey on the weak and vulnerable — Los Angeles. Ba-dum ching! I’ll be here all week! But seriously, folks, there’s a germ of an idea to the film — the directorial debut of Andrew Paquin, brother of Anna, who shows up briefly along with her fiance and “True Blood” co-star Stephen Moyer — to target the over-articulated issues of flaky yuppie types who like to go on and on about trust, smothering, codependency and open relationships.

Alas, anything worthwhile on that front is quickly buried beneath the kind of flabby slasher where a character will make the full circuit of her house, from second floor to basement, searching for someone in the middle of the night, but never turning on a light. Rachel Blanchard plays the light switch-impaired homeowner, Alice, whose efforts to sell her sweet SoCal pad after a painful divorce are halted by the arrival of a pair of serial killers. David and Lila (Brian Geraghty and Tricia Helfer) like to take over houses up for sale and reenact a domestic psychodrama that involves Lila seducing and then murdering strangers and David helping her clean up and then cooking dinner.

Lila thinks Alice is dead, but actually David’s been keeping her in the crawlspace and letting her out during the day, while Lila’s out (at the office?) and David writes (not a screenplay, which really seems like a missed punchline). As Lila’s behavior escalates and the body count rises, David finds solace in Alice’s company, and she tries to persuade him to flee with her. “Open House” is just too silly to seem like it’s seriously attempting scares, but too formless and packed with filler to be anywhere near a satire. This one’s for devoted fans of the actors involved only.

“Open House” does not yet have U.S. distribution.

[Photo: Geraghty and Helfer in “Open House,” StoneBrook Entertainment, 2010]

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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