This browser is supported only in Windows 10 and above.


Rob Zombie’s “CSI: Miami” episode.

Rob Zombie’s “CSI: Miami” episode. (photo)

Posted by on

While never a fan of Rob Zombie’s music, based solely off “The Devil’s Rejects” I have no choice but to take him seriously. He hasn’t delivered since, but the man has an original voice and is one of the few causes for hope about contemporary horror.

So I was curious to see what Zombie would make of “CSI: Miami” — he directed an episode that aired on Monday.

By all accounts, Quentin Tarantino’s “CSI” Vegas episode was distinctively his, though he co-wrote the story. Here, though, Zombie’s a hack for hire, his goal, he told the New York Daily News, only to “see what it was like” and make something his mom could enjoy for once.

The result, all round, is pretty weak fare. I’m not a regular viewer of “CSI” in any of its incarnations, but the last time I tuned in someone quite casually used a hand-controlled missile launcher. That’s just how things happen in Jerry Bruckheimer’s world.

Zombie’s episode (“LA”) has none of the casual flamboyance you’d expect from when Bruckheimer meets Zombie — for the most part, it’s awfully pokey. The plot’s a bit of nothing — we already know whodunnit from the start, and the main focus is on clearing the name of Jesse Cardoza (Eddie Cibrian), which involves flying to LA and dealing with his old police position. To be fair, LA’s a better fit for Zombie than Miami: he gets to deploy both “California Dreamin'” and “California Über Alles.”

03042010_csi2.jpgThere are a few reasons to slog through this if you’re a Zombie fan. Most of the Zombie regulars you’d expect to guest star do indeed show up — Sheri Moon Zombie, William Forsythe, ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, plus Michael Madsen, who hasn’t worked with Zombie before, but is a perfect fit and seems to be making up all of his own dialogue (I especially liked it when he told a cop he thinks is short who claims to be 5’9″ that “My pants are 5’9!”). You’d think David Caruso — who’s never been afraid to play the fool before — would camp it out, but he’s oddly restrained this time. The flamboyant slack is taken up by Malcolm McDowell and Madsen, who basically walk away with the whole episode.

But the real reason to watch are the unbelievable opening five minutes, which could be identified as Zombie’s without any names attached. It’s a rape-murder, and — with the use of some near subliminal, tricky shots and editing — he basically shows you the rape, on network TV, with extreme artfulness. All this while “Nosferatu” is playing in the background, which Zombie (film scholar that he is) keeps cutting to. It’s some of his finest work to date.

You can watch the episode online at IMDb here.

[Photos: “CSI: Miami,” CBS, 2010]

Watch More

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

Posted by on

The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

Watch More

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

Posted by on

Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Watch More

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

Posted by on
GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

Watch More