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Pads, pods, and other fascistic devices

Pads, pods, and other fascistic devices (photo)

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It’s been incredible watching Apple evolve into the goose-stepping corporate monster it once rebelled so successfully against. Ridley Scott’s “1984” commercial that introduced the Macintosh to the world was a revolution. From then on Apple framed itself as the underdog liberator, come to free us from the gray-toned Orwellian hellscape that was PC domination.

Now, our civilization is slave to the Apple iproduct, no matter what it is. Available in stylish models, all completely identical, in white, black, and matte silver, shades of gray. Like the symbols of power carried before Roman magistrates everywhere they went, the fasces, an air of (consumer) superiority surrounds each iproduct. Unfortunately, the superiority is only case deep. Any similarly priced Asus laptop, Lenovo Thinkpad or countless other PC brands will run circles around any Mac on the market in every way, and still have hours of battery power remaining. It costs a lot of power to run those little panzers all day! You can configure a faster, greener, PC laptop that matches a Macbook pro at literally a fraction of the cost.

The ipod has helped revolutionize the way we consume, listen to and even think about music. For this I was once thankful, but have since realized that the death of the album is not a good thing. Apple is in no way solely responsible of course, much as Steve Jobs would probably like to think. But again, there are other better products, the Zune consistently has better features, and battery life – greener again. My crude and ancient Blackberry Pearl can hold up to 4 gigs of music and suffices just fine for mobile listening, yet people act like the only way they can listen to music is on an iproduct. Bring out Zombies.

4 year old parody apparently not seen by Apple executives while busy planning deals with child labor manufacturers.

So now what new conformist dependency will the ipad bring? Other than monthly hygiene protection (with wings addition coming soon). Magazines and books are to be read only from this shiny new device as if there were no other way to do it of course. As a music player it seems to lack some of the most rudimentary features like wireless sync and queuing. I can forgive a Blackberry Pearl these shortcomings since it comes for FREE with a phone/data plan and isn’t even marketed as a media device. But the ipad? it doesn’t’ even have adequate speakers to listen to music (without headphones) so you need to buy another product for that. Read the CNET review.

And watching movies on these gadgets? No one says it better than David Lynch.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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