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Burning Love, “Daybreakers” exsanguinates itself.

Burning Love, “Daybreakers” exsanguinates itself. (photo)

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Written and directed by brother team Michael and Peter Spierig, “Daybreakers” is a complete disaster of a film with one or two, probably unintentional, redeeming qualities. Variety gets credit for a misleading blurb (taken somewhat out of context) ‘Take…”The Matrix” and…”28 Days Later,” …and you’ve got “Daybreakers.”‘ A more accurate summation would be: Take “Starship Troopers” and a dumbed down, desiccated cut of “Gattaca,” add vampires, and you have “Daybreakers.”

I love vampire pictures. All kinds of them. Coppola’s “Dracula,” Michael Almereyda’s “Nadja,” Joel Schumacher’s “The Lost Boys” are all something to aspire to. More recently, the shiny black leather “Underworld” series even got me fired up and I admit to tolerating “Twilight” for it’s assistance in bringing vampires back around to center stage again.

So when a vampire flick shows up with a cast boasting Willem Dafoe and Ethan Hawke, I go see it without question. After an over-the-top opening where a young, goth vampire girl offs herself, the film moves along interestingly enough, for a while. Hawke’s job (and hiding his true nature/identity) along with the brother dynamic are decidedly “Gattaca” inspired, though any comparisons end there. After that, both the story and the directing seem to go on shuffle as if a classroom of teenage boys all took their turns farting out different scenes and punching multiple genres.

Apparently the editors, Danny Cocaine and Johnny Ritalin couldn’t quite make up their minds about what to cut, and ended up just cutting lines all over the continuity. You could house New York City’s homeless population in the plot holes and missing locations. The now laughably over-used vampire shriek is so excessive in this collage of exploding bodies put to film that I am certain seeing this in a theater with a real sound system causes hearing damage. A Peter Jackson Nazgul sounds like Al Green next to these things.

At some point the Spierig’s just start doing their best impersonation of Paul Verhoeven which culminates in one of the most jarheaded, stupidly hilarious scenes in the history of gore. Of course, Hawke and Dafoe are the only reason “Daybreakers” is even a film, but not even Dafoe’s potentially funny Lionel ‘Elvis’ Cormac can rally this mess. At least an appropriate Elvis tune is included.

“Burning Love,” Elvis Presley.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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