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Why “Paul Blart” may be the most important film of 2009.

Why “Paul Blart” may be the most important film of 2009. (photo)

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Our friends over at the newly launched Film Salon have been posting entries from different writers on what each considers the most important film of the decade. (I’m a contributor.) In the same spirit as, say, Michael Tully arguing for “The Real Cancun,” let me offer up a proposition: “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” speaks for 2009 like no other movie.

That’s not to say it’s a good film, or even a competent one. Under the helmsmanship of the ever-regrettable Steve Carr (“Dr. Dolittle 2,” “Daddy Day Care” and — ultimate insult — “Next Friday”), it’s crass and poorly paced, a “Die Hard” homage for the PG “Ouch! My Balls!” set. Blart (rhymes with “fart,” something you can’t help but think was on the screenwriters’ minds), as embodied by Kevin James, is a big ol’ tub of New Jersey lard, complete with an ’80s relic mustache, and there’s nothing particularly lovable about him. Nor can much be said for the uncolorful villain (Keir O’Donnell) or the one-man-versus-all stuff. And the eyelines don’t match! In every respect, this is one terrible movie.

On the other hand: this is “Dawn of the Dead,” only the protagonists are the zombies, unaware they’re unaware. I love Romero’s movie, but that has a lot more to do with how well-made it is than any complex “critique” it’s offering about mall culture (which is pretty self-evident).

“Paul Blart,” on the other hand, thinks it’s good clean family fare, which makes it revealing. With the exception of the villain, crew and token hot chick to be won over by Blart (Jayma Mays), everyone here is fat, out-of-shape, working a minimum-wage job with no prospects for advancement and deeply pissed off about it; an alleged comic highlight is Blart having the crap beaten out of him by an over-enraged fat woman. A world outside shoddy suburban homes and stifling mall culture doesn’t exist; the jobs are sedentary, the intellectual stimulation nil.

12172009_paulblart_9.jpg“Paul Blart”‘s a movie for the recession economy, filmed in a world full of crap being protected by people who can’t afford to buy any of it. It’s unapologetically suburban (filmed in Massachusetts, set in New Jersey) and absolutely marginalized. Its main locales are functional: Blart’s mess of a home, the bank within the mall where checks are deposited, and the horrific T.G.I. Friday’s type restaurant the holiday party takes place at. It is, in short, incredibly depressing and zero fun whatsoever.

None of which the film seems to recognize. And, of course, its outsize success — combined with its dismal reviews — led to some conservative soapboxing about how this is a real American movie, not that effete nonsense critics like. Which is in itself part of the zeitgeist!

My point here is that “Paul Blart” is as ugly and misshapen as the year it’s part of. Future scholars could study it just as rigorously as, say, ugly ’50s anti-Communist paranoia or ’60s movies featuring dudes with sitars. No joke.

It’s still a terrible movie, though.

[Photos: “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” Paramount, 2009]

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.

Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.


Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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WTF Films

Artfully Off

Celebrity All-Star by Sisters Weekend is available now on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Sisters Weekend isn’t like other comedy groups. It’s filmmaking collaboration between besties Angelo Balassone, Michael Fails and Kat Tadesco, self-described lace-front addicts with great legs who write, direct, design and produce video sketches and cinematic shorts that are so surreally hilarious that they defy categorization. One such short film, Celebrity All-Star, is the newest addition to IFC’s Comedy Crib. Here’s what they had to say about it in a very personal email interview…


IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Celebrity All-Star is a short film about an overworked reality TV coordinator struggling to save her one night off after the cast of C-List celebrities she wrangles gets locked out of their hotel rooms.

IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Sisters Weekend: It’s this short we made for IFC where a talent coordinator named Karen babysits a bunch of weird c-list celebs who are stuck in a hotel bar. It’s everyone you hate from reality TV under one roof – and that roof leaks because it’s a 2-star hotel. There’s a magician, sexy cowboys, and a guy wearing a belt that sucks up his farts.


IFC: What was the genesis of Celebrity All-Star?

Celebrity All-Star was born from our love of embarrassing celebrities. We love a good c-lister in need of a paycheck! We were really interested in the canned politeness people give off when forced to mingle with strangers. The backstory we created is that the cast of this reality show called “Celebrity All-Star” is in the middle of a mandatory round of “get to know each other” drinks in the hotel bar when the room keys stop working. Shows like Celebrity Ghost Hunters and of course The Surreal Life were of inspo, but we thought it
was funny to keep it really vague what kind of show they’re on, and just focus on everyone’s diva antics after the cameras stop rolling.

IFC: Every celebrity in Celebrity All-Star seems familiar. What real-life pop personalities did you look to for inspiration?

Sisters Weekend: Anyone who is trying to plug their branded merch that no one asked for. We love low-rent celebrity. We did, however, directly reference Kylie Jenner’s turd-raison lip color for our fictional teen celebutante Gibby Kyle (played by Mary Houlihan).


IFC: Celebrity seems disgusting yet desirable. What’s your POV? Do you crave it, hate it, or both?

Sisters Weekend: A lot of people chase fame. If you’re practical, you’ll likely switch to chasing success and if you’re smart, you’ll hopefully switch to chasing happiness. But also, “We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game,” Young Thug.


IFC: Who are your comedy idols?

Sisters Weekend: Mike grew up renting “Monty Python” tapes from the library and staying up late to watch 2000’s SNL, Kat was super into Andy Kaufman and “Kids In The Hall” in high school, and Angelo was heavily influenced by “Strangers With Candy” and Anna Faris in the Scary Movie franchise, so, our comedy heroes mesh from all over. But, also we idolize a lot of the people we work with in NY-  Lorelei Ramirez, Erin Markey, Mary Houlihan, who are all in the film, Amy Zimmer, Ana Fabrega, Patti Harrison, Sam Taggart. Geniuses! All of Em!

IFC: What’s your favorite moment from the film?

Sisters Weekend: I mean…seeing Mary Houlihan scream at an insane Pomeranian on an iPad is pretty great.

See Sisters Weekend right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib

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