The most colossal failure of the decade has been George Bush and his fascistic administration. By consequence, American foreign policy, American culture, and America overall has been a failure, if measured against the previous century. We entered the age of the supersized moron, plastic family values and air brushed crusades.
On par with these fakes, frauds, and weapons of mass deception was the most disappointing film experience in the history of humankind, the prequel Star Wars trilogy. Granted the first part “Episode I – The Phantom Menace” opened in 1999 but this new batch of films falls squarely into the 00’s and it took so long for the shock to wear off that we didn’t truly grasp the depth of the failure, the new definition of pain and suffering we slowly digested well into the Sarlaac pit of this past decade.
“Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” had redeeming qualities, it dealt with some larger themes worth the consideration of the human mind, even drawing stark (if too obvious) parallels to the wretched state of our own real life affairs. But it was too little too late to save the franchise, and taken as a whole the trilogy is Bantha fodder. More than that, the disappointment of a lifetime. At least two generations grew up with Star Wars, and more than films they were a cultural phenomenon that shaped our world view. The brilliant John Williams score played in our heads in kindergarten as we chased little Stephie about with glowing light saber, it kept us warm at recess in grade school running over the snow drifts in AT-AT’s, we spaced out to it at our Bar Mitzvahs, weddings, and divorces.
Lucas took the best thing Hollywood ever gave us and dumbed it down, clowned it up, and plasticized it. The story of the original trilogy was rooted in the universal appeal of The Cosmogonic Cycle (as described by Joseph Campbell in 1949) and took us on the archetypal journey of the reluctant hero, one that is almost hardwired in the human genome through literally millennia of kindred myths. The new trilogy took us to day care, inundated us with idiot internet dis-dat talk and a barrage of neon colored CGI turds. Before the end, Lucas tried I’ll give him that, but our cruisers just couldn’t repel disappointment of that magnitude. Failure of a lifetime really.
The runners up are all total bombs, and I’d rather watch the worst episode of the new trilogy (“Phantom Menace”) than any of these, but they aren’t loaded with a lifetime worth of let down either so they don’t take the top loser prize.
2000 “Battlefield Earth”
Not only is this one of the worst films ever made it also has an awful techno soundtrack. There is nothing even remotely good about it, not even Forest Whittaker. Travolta needed another “Pulp Fiction” to re-resurrect his career the moment he put those prosthetics on. Shoot this piece of shit into the sun with Dick Cheney, Osama Bin Laden and Crocs.
This joke of a movie confirmed my suspicion that Ben Affleck is a huge douche bag. Sorry Matt, we’ve all got douche bag friends I guess. A featured song was “Everything’s Gonna Be All Right” by Naughty By Nature which had clever lyrics like I was one who never had and always mad, never knew my dad, mother fuck the fag. No, it’s not going to be all right.
2002 “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”
Poor Eddie Murphy, he used to be so cool it was ridiculous. Now he’s just ridiculous. Estimated cost: $100 million
Domestic gross: $4.4 million
You can tell by the trailer that it also has the worst soundtrack of the decade.