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DID YOU READ

Dreaming of an Armond White Christmas.

Dreaming of an Armond White Christmas. (photo)

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On the merriest, maddest day of the year, families gather around the TV-hearth to trudge through the same festive films over and over, provoking grumbling, deja vu and boredom. It’s also around this time that notorious film critic Armond White gifts us with his annual Better Than list, pitting his real top ten against movies he thinks are similar but vastly inferior.

In the spirit of the season, then, and in honor of Armond, here’s my own Christmas better-than list: slightly less curmudgeonly, but just as argumentative — and more fun for you, snowbound viewer.

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In “A Christmas Story,” little Ralphie wants his BB gun and won’t shut up about it, no matter how many times he’s told “you’ll shoot your eye out” — a line made infinitely more familiar by TNT’s perverse annual tradition of running the Bob Clark movie on a 24-hour loop. But I think “A Christmas Story” is a little too frantic and a lot obnoxious, so I’d recommend subbing it out for “Gremlins,” which ups the ante: your Christmas present will try to kill you, destroy the town and trash the department store seasonal display for good measure. The finale — Gremlin vs. boy amidst red-and-green lights — couldn’t be clearer about the dangers of holiday gifts.

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Tim Burton always joked that the ill-timed 1996 holiday release of “Mars Attacks!” made sense, since it was about green invaders from a red planet. And seeing this on Christmas day is one of my happiest memories of anti-seasonal spirit. It’s certainly a better movie about invaders destroying the security of our homes and families than the saccharine and sadistic “Home Alone,” and fuzzier too: instead of feet sliding down nails and tarring and feathering, we get festively green head explosions. Plus, the music’s better.

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You know what happens when there’s no snow for Christmas? Everyone ends up in danger, that’s what. So we learn from the interminable 1954 “White Christmas,” two hours of sludge that manage to tame even the irrepressible Danny Kaye. And it goes on and on for almost forever, or at least until we finally get that damn white Christmas. I much prefer the evil-genius coup the Weinsteins pulled in 2005 by releasing “Wolf Creek” on Christmas Day — a gleefully straightforward, evil-minded slasher that especially benefited from inviting audiences out from the cold to warm Australian beaches and wastelands, then killing everyone on screen. Guess we better stick with the chill.

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Here you have two movies about the Christmas spirit being threatened by foreigners. In one case, it’s a boring (you’re going to have to face up to it someday!) film about saccharine creatures from Halloween Town kidnapping Sandy Claws and singing songs to kill time while the flimsy plot unfolds. In the other, David Bowie gets buried up to his head in sand and receives holiday greetings in phonetically rendered English by a smiling Japanese guard. When you think about it that way, there’s really no contest.

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Truth be told, I quite like “It’s A Wonderful Life,” but I’ve only seen it once, and I was already a teenager. For those of you who have seen it umpteen times and are tired of it, but who still want that ’40s small-town feel, it’s time to move on to “The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek.” Nothing beautiful or wonderful or sacred about community and family here: it’s all sexual secrecy and frantic hypocrisy and drunkenness, plus sextuplets as a decidedly secular Christmas miracle.

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I guess “You’ve Got Mail” isn’t strictly a holiday standard, but it’s still a seasonally timed romcom (one of two involving Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks pretending to be happy under Nora Ephron’s strict thumb; she hears his voice on the radio Christmas Eve in “Sleepless In Seattle”). Far better to go with Terry Gilliam’s “Twelve Monkeys,” decidedly the anti-meet-cute, with a weird Christmas setting to boot that uses the holiday as counterpoint rather than mandating warm fuzzies.

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“Meet Me In St. Louis” is remembered as a Christmas movie primarily for Judy Garland’s definitive “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” but it’s not really a movie about the holidays so much as one about casting back to a nostalgized, warm and glowing vision of family life with the nasty parts softened or elided. So try Terence Davies “The Long Day Closes,” which does the exact same thing but keeps the glow the whole movie. The Christmas is as cuddly as they come, and the artistry is dazzling.

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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