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Celebrating the musical apocalypse.

Celebrating the musical apocalypse. (photo)

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Though it feels like it’s been advertised since 2005, “2012” doesn’t come out until November 13: John Cusack, buildings get destroyed, humanity struggles against itself, the nuclear family survives, etc, etc. And now we have a music video to go with all that rote destruction: Adam Lambert’s “Time For Miracles.”

As a song, “Time For Miracles” is wan but inoffensive balladry: “I know this flame isn’t dying,” Lambert yowls, “so nothing can stop me from trying.” It’s the visuals that make it so bizarrely insensitive: as he sings, the American Almost-Idol strolls with impeccable rock-star cool past cars on fire, riots, people fleeing from collapsing buildings, and so on.

It actively (and intentionally?) plays off memories of the 1994 LA earthquake, in at best dubious taste. And, of course, every disaster movie this decade is a post-9/11 movie: “War of the Worlds” might have earned its explicit 9/11 quotes, but here’s guessing “2012” doesn’t even come close.

Apocalypse is very in right now — if “2012” doesn’t suit, you can choose from comedic (“Zombieland”), animated (“9”) or arty (“The Road”). But an apocalyptic music video? It doesn’t even make sense: Lambert’s singing about reconciliation, what’s that got to do with people running for their lives? (Or, for that matter, the Eiffel Tower collapsing. Can’t believe it took Emmerich this long to get around to it.) It makes Aerosmith’s “Armaggedon” tie-in “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” look downright brilliant, with Steven Tyler & co. standing in front of a NASA logo while the world watches on TV and holds hands.

For an instructive contrast, here’s “2012 The Song,” by one David Jacks. “Will the shorelines submerge? Will our better selves emerge? As fire falls from above, will we remember still to love?” he asks, inadvertently summing up the entire disaster genre. And really, why must we remember still to love? Obviously, there are more pressing matters to be concerned with.

[Photo: “2012,” Columbia, 2009]

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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