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All quiet at the Alamo Drafthouse.

All quiet at the Alamo Drafthouse. (photo)

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My heart skipped a beat upon seeing a post on Jim Emerson’s Scanners blog about the Alamo Drafthouse‘s stern onscreen warnings to anyone who dares to talk during a movie at any of the Austin, Texas theater chain’s locations. For those who have been to the Drafthouse or anyone about to make the pilgrimage to the upcoming Fantastic Fest, one must understand that the only thing more sacred than being able to drink a bottle of Shiner Bock with your popcorn at the theater is the cinematic experience itself. And since the Drafthouse staff is populated by aspiring filmmakers and film geeks alike, one of the best parts of that experience are the public service announcements that protects it — the trailers made by staffers that always end by cautioning in big block letters: “Don’t Talk During the Movie or We’ll Take Your Ass Out.”

These trailers have come a long way since the days when the Alamo appropriated a clip from the 1973 thriller “Wipeout” for the trailer, showing a solemn Henry Silva heading up to a projection booth to gun down some rude mobsters in a movie theater. Nowadays, Michael Cera and Jonah Hill can be seen riffing on proper etiquette, George A. Romero will threaten the audience with being zombiefied, or worst of all, Chuck Norris will introduce his foot to your…well, you get the idea. While many of these trailers are still exclusive to the Austin area, we were able to find a few online that will give you a taste of how audiences are advised to keep quiet:

Fans of the doc “The King of Kong” will appreciate this trailer with “Donkey Kong” champ Steve Wiebe:

Danny DeVito was pursued by two Drafthouse patrons for his thoughts on rude moviegoers while signing bottles of his signature Limoncello at the Twin Liquors store in Austin:

One must know that video game pioneer and Austin resident Richard Garriott actually traveled into outer space, so he speaks from experience in this clip:

“World War Z” author (and Mel’s kid) Max Brooks finishes off some undead and promotes the Dismember the Alamo Zombie Film Festival here:

And, saving the best for last, here’s the late, great Texas Governor Ann Richards:

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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