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DID YOU READ

Conquest of Paradise

Conquest of Paradise (photo)

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The cabin of the outdated 757 grew dark as we passed through storm clouds on our descent into Jamaican airspace. Everything on the decrepit air ship began to creak and moan. The cathode ray tube screens from the 80’s anchored to the ceiling shook with either Howie Mandel or colored static, it didn’t make much difference. My stomach dropped into my balls, then tried to leave my body through my throat. I tried to focus on a point on the ceiling that wasn’t in motion and noticed it was so antique it actually had a patina. A woman up in first class screamed. I wondered how many internal parts had patinas too and which ones were chaffed, ready to spark and blow a wing off.

I grabbed the skymall catalogue and began frantically paging through it, looking for frivolous household products to ogle. I find that soothes me during tumultuous landings, and this was the worst. But one can’t help wondering what the hell we need all that for when plummeting toward an island where many people live with little more than love, music and great coffee. Or do they? I thought about that jerkoff Christopher Columbus. Then Ridley Scott’s “1492: Conquest of Paradise” flashed before my eyes. Scored by the great Vangelis (“Chariots of Fire”, “Bladerunner”), it’s my favorite film about genocide. Gerard Depardieu’s Columbus is more enlightened than the facts of history seem to dictate. But even if he was the passionate and relatively tolerant adventurer who treated indigenous nobles with respect, he helped pave the way for those who did not.

The fact is Jamaica, which Columbus landed on after first landing in “San Salvador,” was once an Arawak Indian paradise. The island’s name comes from the Arawak word xaymaca, but not a single Arawak remains on it. Modern day Jamaicans, like most other Caribbean nations, are descendants of former African slaves and European settlers, the original people wiped off the face of the earth for lust of gold, coffee, tobacco and spices.

Vangelis‘ compositions are sometimes too big and showy, sometimes too heavy handed in 1492 – here feel this way now. But in a way, he expertly captures the sound of holier than thou gold farmers setting out with bad breath to subjugate those they deem inferior (while pilfering their superior resources). The hymnal humming warms up the main theme while adding to the manifest destiny vibe, without which the score may sound too synthetic. Vangelis relies heavily on electronics, and while that’s perfect for hunting down “skin jobs” in flying cars it would be detrimental to a late medieval period piece.The soundtrack was more successful than the long winded film, which I suspect played to blind eyes. We do still celebrate Christopher Columbus, which is nothing short of baffling. If you thought the holocaust was bad, read up on the total genocide of these people whose island homes provided the cash crops that funded European expansion and the conquest of the “New World.”

A few feet from the ground, when it was clear to the pilot that we would crash, my plane rocketed back into the exploding sky. Landing aborted, accompanied by a soundtrack of gasps and children wailing, no Vangelis. During the ensuing 30 minutes of circling through turbulence for another attempt I had time to ogle every page of the skymall. But I don’t need any of that shit. All I need is music, film, and love. And great coffee. Maybe my laptop.


“Conquest of Paradise” by Vangelis.

Hope you had a thought provoking 4th of July. No more Caribbean, I’m back and moving on…. for now.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…