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Major Lazer

Major Lazer (photo)

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I left the country for the millennial New Years Eve with my 2 roommates at the time, and headed for the cliff side Caribbean town of Negril, Jamaica. (We didn’t believe in the Y2K end of the world scenario, only the psychos who we thought would be murdering people in the streets because they believed it). We awoke each morning to the caress of sea breeze through open windows and hiked down a mountain road to buy healthy breakfasts of little tropical bananas and fried ackee fruit, true wonder foods. We met locals and explored jungle paths with them, spelunked sea caves, and snorkeled in crystal waters with waterproof cameras. I never felt better in my life.

On New Years Eve day, we hiked down to a small sheltered cove where the cliff face was rend open into a deep maw lined with teeth of weathered coral. A man sold us coconuts from a nearby palm, the tops of which he’d lopped off with a machete and then poked with straws. A very blonde, practically nude, Austrian couple entered the dark cave, ignoring the warnings of the coconut man as we lazed about in the sun draining the giant seeds of their delicious waters. Clouds gathered and we heard the woman scream. The man had fallen and ripped his back apart on the coral, his blood turned bright blue pools of water pink as we helped him out and back up the cliff’s treacherous path. By the time we reached the top a full on monsoon was underway, palm branches and coconut husks whipped through the air.

We got separated from the foolish Austrians in the chaos but made it to a nearby road. The rain came down so hard it hurt. I couldn’t hear what my roommates were yelling when the cab pulled up, nor could I see inside the smoke-filled backseat, we just dove into it. The Jamaican driver turned around smiling, reefer cigarette in hand, one gold tooth gleaming and probably said. “Where to mon?” But his music was so loud and insane, some kind of electro dancehall with dub beats so thick it nearly drowned out the shock and awe rain barrage upon the windshield, and all I saw was that gold tooth and a mouth moving. I don’t really remember much else except being in the backseat of the jalopiest ride on Earth, flying down a mountain road in a hurricane thinking I was going to die with the craziest shit I’d ever heard blasting through a haze of Jamaican red hair.

I’m pretty sure now that driver was Major Lazer. And the music sounded just like this – at least if you turn it all the way up and pretend you’re completely blown out.

Major Lazer “Guns Don’t Kill People…Lazers Do” is available now – on CD, Digital, Vinyl w/download and iphone app.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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