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“NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE!”: Seven Hilarious Exploitation Taglines

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01142009_mybloodyvalentine3d.jpgThe tagline for the new film “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is “NOTHING SAYS ‘DATE MOVIE’ LIKE A 3-D RIDE TO HELL!” and while I’m fairly certain that’s not actually true, I admire the gumption it takes to put something that intentionally silly on a poster. “MBV3-D”‘s marketing — which includes a movie trailer that explains how 3-D works, in much the way an airplane safety video shows how to operate a seatbelt — recalls the great bombastic advertisements of exploitation cinema’s yesteryear, when outlandish hucksterisms like “NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE!” (from 1953’s “It Came From Outer Space) or “3-D THRILL! Fuel For the Human Bonfire!” (From 1954’s “The Mad Magician”) were the accepted mode of junk movie pitch.

We’ve gotten away from that grand, goofy tradition, but “MBV3-D” has me all nostalgic for the crazy taglines from exploitation films past. Here are the seven funniest I could find conclusive evidence for (if you have a photograph of an “Orgy of the Dead” ad with the tagline “Are you heterosexual…?”, please let us know). And if this whets your appetite for more, I recommend browsing the remarkably comprehensive tagline database at FilmScape for further hilarity.

Click on the thumbnails for larger images.

01142009_houseofwax.jpg“HOUSE OF WAX” (2005)
“On May 6th, see Paris die!”

Most movies are sold on the audience’s desire to see their stars, not on the audience’s desire to see their stars brutally murdered, but that was the case with Warner Brothers’ 2005 remake of “House of the Dead” co-starring one Paris Hilton. This impressively blunt slogan was featured on totally hot promo t-shirts and posters for the film. Ms. Hilton’s reaction was understandably mixed. “At first I was a bit weirded out,” she told People, “but I do have the best death scene in the movie.”

01142009_excessiveforce.jpg“EXCESSIVE FORCE” (1993)
“In the 70’s, Chuck Norris. In the 80’s, Steven Seagal. In the ’90’s, action has a whole new name… Thomas Ian Griffith.”

Deep down, the copywriter knew, right? I mean he had to; if you were really trying to sell Thomas Ian Griffith (a.k.a. the evil millionaire karate master who gets outfoxed by Ralph Macchio in “The Karate Kid Part III”) as the next action hero, you’d compare him to guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jean-Claude Van Damme or Bruce Lee. He must have seen the lack of charisma and bad hair and just decided for once in his deceitful life to be honest with potential viewers.

01142009_ape.jpg“A*P*E” (1976)
“Not to be confused with KING KONG.”

Actually, this cheapie American/Korean co-production was designed to be confused with the “King Kong” remake released that same year. As the teaser poster attests, the original title was, in fact, “The New King Kong.” Well, the guys who were making the real new “King Kong” didn’t appreciate that, and they sued. As a result, the producers of the renamed “A*P*E” were contractually obligated to put the phrase “Not to be confused with KING KONG” on all of their advertising. I think the producers of “M*A*S*H” should have sued them next.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…