(left: Ram Jam! Ram Jam! Ram Jam!)
If Michaels hasn’t had a chance to see the critically acclaimed film, The Wrestler, yet–or any other rocker that yearns for the decadent days of the 1980s–here’s 10 Reasons Why they won’t leave the theater disappointed:
#10. Share the Pain
Sure, getting shot with a staple gun in a hardcore match hurts, but that doesn’t compare to the rise and painful fall of an ’80s icon. I’m sure Randy “The Ram” Robinson’s (Mickey Rourke) story hits close to home for many rockers who lived fast in the 80’s. When the looks go and the body ages, regret kicks in and drugs become your best (and worst) friend.
#9. Satin Jackets
During a trip to the vintage clothing store to buy a gift for his estranged daughter Stephanie, The Ram can’t take his eyes off a green stain jacket emblazoned with a large letter “S”. C’mon, what ’80s rock star wouldn’t choose a shiny, green satin jacket over a black pea coat?
#8. Neon Tights
This one is pretty much self-explanatory. After seeing this movie, I guarantee Bret Michaels will return home, open his memory trunk, and embrace his favorite pair of spandex pants.
#7. ’80s Rock Chicks
Yep, they’re still around. If you want a good one though, you won’t find one under the age of 35. No worries, because Cassidy (Marissa Tomei) still has her looks, isn’t afraid to profess her love for Motley Crue and Def Leppard, and will even join you in a sing-a-long to Ratt’s “Round and Round.”
#6. Bleached Blonde Hair
C’mon you didn’t think The Ram was a natural blonde, did you? In The Wrestler we see The Ram hit up a beauty saloon for a bleach job, and later do the deed at home with a store bought kit. The Ram–like many rock stars–completes the Sunset Strip look with a visit to the tanning parlor. Vince Neil, if you haven’t seen the film either, you’re going to love it too!
The Ram still owns an Nintendo Entertainment System, and even though today’s kids are weaned on games much more complex, The Ram thoroughly defeats a neighborhood kid in an old-school wrestling video game (playing as his own character no less). The winning move? A (16-bit) Ram Jam off the top rope.
#4. Living Vicariously Through Mickey Rourke
For any Headbanger’s Ball alum who thought their days in the limelight were over, look no further than Mickey Rourke. If he can make a hit this deep into his career–who’s to say Cinderella can’t do the same?
#3. Jersey Pride
The Wrestler not only takes place in New Jersey–home of Bon Jovi–but Bruce Springsteen (the King of the Garden State) also contributes an original song to the film (“The Wrestler”), which, oh by the way, won a Golden Globe for Best Original Song (as did Mickey Rourke for Best Performance by an Actor).
#2. 1980’s Theme Music
The Ram represents his favorite decade with pride by walking down the aisle to both Quiet Riot’s “Bang Your Head” and Guns N’ Roses, “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” which apparently Axl Rose allowed the film to use for free (since they were on such a shoestring budget).
#1. ’90s Sucked!
For all the acclaim that critics heave upon the alternative 90’s–the decade that was responsible for putting the last nail in the coffin for hair-metal music–Brett Michaels and the rest of his poofy-hair peers will revel in The Ram’s diatribe against the decade: Then that Cobain pussy had to come around and ruin it all, you know? Nineties fucking sucked.