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How To Save The Music Industry, Steps 1-11

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It’s no secret that the music industry is in big trouble. With CD sales tanking, record labels downsizing, and less and less high profile rock stars to fill arena seats, it’s becoming more difficult to achieve music’s version of the American Dream.

(left: William Schintziss, the man who can save music!)

Fortunately for us, there are visionaries like William Schintziss (brother of famed record label mogul, Robert Schintziss). While attending one of his seminars this past weekend at the Expo Mart, Schintziss laid out his first 11 steps to help save the music industry. Apparently the next 310 steps will follow in subsequent seminars, self-help events, and a 500-page leather bound coffee table book.

STEPS 1-11:

1.) No more forced photos of bands trying to act all serious. Bands can only take solemn press pictures if A.) they’re being ironic, or B.) legitimately acting serious.

2.) Bands are only allowed to play two festivals dates in a given country per year. That, or festivals with similar line-ups have to come up with a standardized name.

3.) The video game Rock Band will feature real instruments, so gamers can actually learn how to play instruments instead of finger-tapping a bunch of rainbow-colored buttons.


4.) To encourage bands to make complete works of art (i.e., albums) and consumers to buy them, iTunes will sell full-length recordings for $5 a piece.

5.) Solo hip-hop artists can have no more than three guest appearances per album. More than three will result in the album being called a compilation.

6.) Skits can no longer be used on hip-hop albums unless they’re actually funny.

7.) All radio edits of songs must either have alternate lyrics or the curse words bleeped. A simple muting of each expletive will no longer be permitted, which will hopefully encourage “artists” to be more creative with their lyrics.

8.) Holier-than-thou indie bands can no longer have their songs featured in a video game unless the band members actually play the video game.

9.) At concerts, fans will be encouraged to wear shirts of the band they’re seeing–be that guy! Don’t let Jeremy Piven’s snarky character in PCU dictate otherwise.


10.) Speaking of apparel, fans will not be permitted to wear the shirt of a particular artist unless they can actually name a band member and/or song from that group. Consequently, there will be a surplus of Ramones t-shirts.

11.) Only while attending a Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, or Iron Maiden concert (or if willing to bite the head off of a living bat) is one allowed to form devil horns with their hands. Perpetrators will have their pinky and index fingers amputated. A tweenager will then think twice about throwing up the horns at a Jonas Brothers concert.

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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