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DID YOU READ

How To Save The Music Industry, Steps 1-11

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It’s no secret that the music industry is in big trouble. With CD sales tanking, record labels downsizing, and less and less high profile rock stars to fill arena seats, it’s becoming more difficult to achieve music’s version of the American Dream.

(left: William Schintziss, the man who can save music!)

Fortunately for us, there are visionaries like William Schintziss (brother of famed record label mogul, Robert Schintziss). While attending one of his seminars this past weekend at the Expo Mart, Schintziss laid out his first 11 steps to help save the music industry. Apparently the next 310 steps will follow in subsequent seminars, self-help events, and a 500-page leather bound coffee table book.

STEPS 1-11:

1.) No more forced photos of bands trying to act all serious. Bands can only take solemn press pictures if A.) they’re being ironic, or B.) legitimately acting serious.

2.) Bands are only allowed to play two festivals dates in a given country per year. That, or festivals with similar line-ups have to come up with a standardized name.

3.) The video game Rock Band will feature real instruments, so gamers can actually learn how to play instruments instead of finger-tapping a bunch of rainbow-colored buttons.

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4.) To encourage bands to make complete works of art (i.e., albums) and consumers to buy them, iTunes will sell full-length recordings for $5 a piece.

5.) Solo hip-hop artists can have no more than three guest appearances per album. More than three will result in the album being called a compilation.

6.) Skits can no longer be used on hip-hop albums unless they’re actually funny.

7.) All radio edits of songs must either have alternate lyrics or the curse words bleeped. A simple muting of each expletive will no longer be permitted, which will hopefully encourage “artists” to be more creative with their lyrics.

8.) Holier-than-thou indie bands can no longer have their songs featured in a video game unless the band members actually play the video game.

9.) At concerts, fans will be encouraged to wear shirts of the band they’re seeing–be that guy! Don’t let Jeremy Piven’s snarky character in PCU dictate otherwise.

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10.) Speaking of apparel, fans will not be permitted to wear the shirt of a particular artist unless they can actually name a band member and/or song from that group. Consequently, there will be a surplus of Ramones t-shirts.

11.) Only while attending a Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, or Iron Maiden concert (or if willing to bite the head off of a living bat) is one allowed to form devil horns with their hands. Perpetrators will have their pinky and index fingers amputated. A tweenager will then think twice about throwing up the horns at a Jonas Brothers concert.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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WTF Films

Artfully Off

Celebrity All-Star by Sisters Weekend is available now on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Sisters Weekend isn’t like other comedy groups. It’s filmmaking collaboration between besties Angelo Balassone, Michael Fails and Kat Tadesco, self-described lace-front addicts with great legs who write, direct, design and produce video sketches and cinematic shorts that are so surreally hilarious that they defy categorization. One such short film, Celebrity All-Star, is the newest addition to IFC’s Comedy Crib. Here’s what they had to say about it in a very personal email interview…

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IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Celebrity All-Star is a short film about an overworked reality TV coordinator struggling to save her one night off after the cast of C-List celebrities she wrangles gets locked out of their hotel rooms.

IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Sisters Weekend: It’s this short we made for IFC where a talent coordinator named Karen babysits a bunch of weird c-list celebs who are stuck in a hotel bar. It’s everyone you hate from reality TV under one roof – and that roof leaks because it’s a 2-star hotel. There’s a magician, sexy cowboys, and a guy wearing a belt that sucks up his farts.

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IFC: What was the genesis of Celebrity All-Star?

Celebrity All-Star was born from our love of embarrassing celebrities. We love a good c-lister in need of a paycheck! We were really interested in the canned politeness people give off when forced to mingle with strangers. The backstory we created is that the cast of this reality show called “Celebrity All-Star” is in the middle of a mandatory round of “get to know each other” drinks in the hotel bar when the room keys stop working. Shows like Celebrity Ghost Hunters and of course The Surreal Life were of inspo, but we thought it
was funny to keep it really vague what kind of show they’re on, and just focus on everyone’s diva antics after the cameras stop rolling.

IFC: Every celebrity in Celebrity All-Star seems familiar. What real-life pop personalities did you look to for inspiration?

Sisters Weekend: Anyone who is trying to plug their branded merch that no one asked for. We love low-rent celebrity. We did, however, directly reference Kylie Jenner’s turd-raison lip color for our fictional teen celebutante Gibby Kyle (played by Mary Houlihan).

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IFC: Celebrity seems disgusting yet desirable. What’s your POV? Do you crave it, hate it, or both?

Sisters Weekend: A lot of people chase fame. If you’re practical, you’ll likely switch to chasing success and if you’re smart, you’ll hopefully switch to chasing happiness. But also, “We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game,” Young Thug.

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IFC: Who are your comedy idols?

Sisters Weekend: Mike grew up renting “Monty Python” tapes from the library and staying up late to watch 2000’s SNL, Kat was super into Andy Kaufman and “Kids In The Hall” in high school, and Angelo was heavily influenced by “Strangers With Candy” and Anna Faris in the Scary Movie franchise, so, our comedy heroes mesh from all over. But, also we idolize a lot of the people we work with in NY-  Lorelei Ramirez, Erin Markey, Mary Houlihan, who are all in the film, Amy Zimmer, Ana Fabrega, Patti Harrison, Sam Taggart. Geniuses! All of Em!

IFC: What’s your favorite moment from the film?

Sisters Weekend: I mean…seeing Mary Houlihan scream at an insane Pomeranian on an iPad is pretty great.

See Sisters Weekend right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib

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