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“It’s the beard pattern.”

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"People really like me."
At the Guardian‘s Film Blog, filmmaker Kenneth Anger (a former youthful screen presence himself) launches into a semi-coherent rant on beard patterns, the dubious teenageriness of the round-faced Tobey Maguire and time after seeing "Spider-Man 3" ("the biggest, most effeminate pile of crap I have ever seen in my life"):

You want to know another great truth? The reason Hollywood keeps flim-flamming the public about age is because they don’t know the secret. Shakespeare and Kenneth Anger know the secret. You want to know the secret? OK, here’s the secret.

We’re not sure we quite understand the secret, but feel better for having read it anyway. Other bits and pieces:

Quentin Tarantino thinks contemporary Italian cinema is all, you know, too serious and stuff, and anyway, where did all the witches and cowboys go? He told Italian papers that "Recent films I’ve seen are all the same. They talk about boys growing up, or girls growing up, or couples having a crisis, or vacations of the mentally impaired." Italy responds in the form of a sharp-tongued Sophia Loren: "How dare he talk about Italian cinema when he doesn’t know anything about American cinema?" [Via Eric J. Lyman at the Hollywood Reporter]

Mike Tyson says he’s ready for Bollywood. No response from Bollywood yet. [AP]

David Poland hates "Hostel 2." Hates it so much it has bled into how he feels about director Eli Roth: "I never did respect Roth’s work.  Now, if he and I crossed paths, I would refuse to shake his hand.  I would extinguish the fire if he was burning, using something quicker than urine, but I’m not sure that I wouldn’t consider it karmic payback for him." [The Hot Button]

Meanwhile, at the LA Times, Patrick Goldstein reveals the secret of those "slab o’ meat" ads for the film: boar meat. Tim Palen of Lionsgate says that: "We had to prove to the MPAA that it wasn’t human, so I sent them the receipt from the butcher shop." [LA Times]

And there are no less than four Sammy Davis Jr. projects in the works, according to Pat H. Broeske at the New York Times. Denzel Washington‘s looking to direct one based on this book, and is working with Brian Grazer and Universal; New Line Cinema is working on one based on this book by Davis’ widow while there’s also a doc in pre-production; Earle Sebastian is hoping to direct André 3000 in "Sammy and Kim," which will tell the story of Davis’ relationship with Kim Novak. [NY Times]

+ Kenneth Anger’s big secret (Guardian)
+ Italian film industry rebukes Tarantino (Hollywood Reporter)
+ Mike Tyson wants to do Bollywood movies (AP)
+ Shades Of Ugliness: An Issue Of Humanity (The Hot Button)
+ ‘Hostel’ ads test the squirm factor (LA Times)
+ A High Life After Death? The Candy Man Can (NY Times)

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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