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Opening This Week: January 26th, 2007

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By Christopher Bonet

IFC News

[Photo: “Smokin’ Aces,” Universal Pictures, 2007]

A round-up of the best (or worst) $10 you’ll spend this week.

“Blood and Chocolate”

The producers of “Underworld” present us with yet another female-fronted supernatural thriller, as “Dreamland”‘s Agnes Bruckner must choose between her loving boyfriend or her family’s secret society of werewolves. The trailer comes packed with brooding dark visuals, lycanthropian special effects and an Evanescence song.

Opens wide (official site).

“Catch and Release”

Kevin Smith in a chick flick? Though our irony meter may have just gone through the roof, somehow we’re disappointed in Academy Award-nominated screenwriter Susannah Grant’s feature directorial debut, which casts Jennifer Garner as a woman who finds comfort in her fiancé’s friends after his sudden death. Now we love us some Garner, whether she’s just having fun (“13 Going on 30”) or kicking some serious ass (“Alias”), but a sad Garner is something we just don’t want to see. Hopefully she can pull it off.

Opens wide (official site).

“Epic Movie”

We’re sure we’re not the only ones who request that these “_____ Movies” just..stop. Though some film spoofs may be guilty pleasures (“Airplane!” and “Spaceballs” still best many of the comedies today), “Epic Movie” appears completely lost on us, as the trailer implies that pretty much every major film released in the past two years will be spoofed somehow. Lazy, yes, but we’re keen to see Crispin Glover spoofing Willy Wonka. If only Tim Burton had thought of it first.

Opens wide (official site).

“Nomad: The Warrior”

The nation of Kazakhstan regains some of its dignity following the political debacle of “Borat” with this historical epic set during the 18th century as it tells the story of a young boy who is destined to unite the three warring tribes of Kazakhstan against invaders and national enemies. “Nomad” stands as the most expensive film ever to be shot in Kazakhstan at $40 million and is the nation’s official entry for the Best Foreign Language Film for the Academy Awards.

Opens in limited release (official site).

“Seraphim Falls”

Also known as “James Bond vs. Oskar Schindler: The Ultimate Battle”. Okay, maybe not so much, but this revenge thriller pits our third-favorite Bond, Pierce Brosnan, against Darkman himself, Liam Neeson, set in the American West following the Civil War. Our expectations for this film aren’t very high, but judging by the film’s trailer, frequent TV director David von Ancken’s first feature promises to be a fun time. Plus, you can’t go wrong with Pierce’s mighty fine beard.

Opens in limited release (official site).

“Smokin’ Aces”

“Smokin’ Aces” is the type of movie that Guy Ritchie probably would make if he were still allowed to make them. Fortunately, “Narc” director Joe Carnahan is clearly up to the task of directing a hyper macho action film about a group of assassins trying to kill a sleazy magician (Jeremy Piven); the rest of the cast includes Ben Affleck, Ryan Reynolds, Andy Garcia, Alicia Keys and many others. The film may not be one of the best of the new year, or even any good, but it looks like one of the most fun films of an otherwise drab January.

Opens wide (official site).

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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