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“The world I grew up in is gone.”

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"You can keep doing that forever, the dog is never going to move."
At the LA Times, Kimi Yoshino recounts how Disneyland’s "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride is getting an overhaul to look more like the films it inspired, including the addition of Johnny Depp‘s Jack Sparrow character. The ride’s reopening will coincide with the release of the sequel, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl." And yes, people are bitching:

Internet message boards have been in mutiny for months, with fans
debating whether Disney is taking corporate synergy and marketing too
far — and that’s saying a lot for a company that capitalizes on just
about every character tie-in imaginable.

Also at the LA Times, Martin J. Smith looks back fondly, we supposed, on the "Red Asphalt" films, which, if you’ve never had the pleasure, are a series put together by the California Highway Patrol to terrify young would-be Golden State drivers into never even approaching a vehicle ever again by bombarding them with real footage of death and destruction on the highways and byways. We recalls a screening of "Red Asphalt III" when we were in high school — it worked itself up to a crescendo of a latex-gloved medic picking someone’s brains off the pavement, but, resilient teen that we were, we were soon throttling down the freeway at 85mph on a cell phone drinking a latte with the best of them. Smith notes that we’re now on "Red Asphalt 5" (the first version came out in 1964) and that production values have risen considerably:

Back then, the images were just as unsophisticated as the narration. Accident-scene footage showed harshly lighted people standing around gawking at all forms of debris as if watching a peep show. Later versions incorporated scenes of rescue efforts to save the movies’ unfortunate stars, reflecting the evolution of emergency techniques and equipment.

"Red Asphalt V," which came out last year, features what a CHP spokesman called a "Matt Damon-type" actor who delivers the introduction and litany of statistics wearing layered shirts, jeans and a reasonably cool haircut. The makers of "Asphalt V" have borrowed from cinéma vérité to employ audiotape of a 911 emergency call and graveside testimonials. Its opening sequence might make Brian De Palma proud: A road flare is struck and hisses to life, followed by a suspenseful nighttime tracking shot in which the beam of a flashlight plays first across roadside vegetation, then finds the first hints of automotive debris, and finally illuminates a bloody victim trapped inside the metal crumple that once was a car.

And at the London Times, Kevin Maher writes "It was never supposed to be like this," and mourns that "they have that rare and fading thing — genuine star aura." Sadly, he’s talking about the fading of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, who in our mind are a bit like the Spanish Empire, apparently eternally in decline, (well, for Demi, at least — was her heyday really "Ghost"?).

+ Disney’s Pirates Ride: Just Like in the Movies (LA Times)
+ Thrills! Nausea! Really bad acting! (LA Times)
+ Till the death of our careers do part (London Times)

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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