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DID YOU READ

Sweet Sixteen and Dying to be Kissed

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By Andrea Meyer

IFC News

Being a teenage girl ain’t easy. Sure, there are innocent pleasures of giggling with the girls over Tiger Beat — or some guy’s balls falling out of his shorts at the beach, but overnight breasts, sudden prettiness, sexual curiosity and uninvited attention make adolescent girlhood as confounding as it can be magical. While the John Hughes teen films of the 80s whitewashed sexuality in favor of fairytale kisses over a candlelit birthday cake, there are a lot of movies that dive right into the stickiness.

Watch “Lolita” licking her lolli, much to her stepdaddy’s despair. Poptart Juliette Lewis shamelessly flirting with a psychotic De Niro in “Cape Fear.” “Fat Girl”‘s impossibly beautiful Elena (Roxane Mesquida) doing “everything but” with the guy she snuck in through her bedroom window while her chubbier sister tries not to watch. Jodie Foster and her pack of “Foxes” competing to see who can suck the most faces (or was that me and my high school posse?) Carroll Baker’s child bride “Baby Doll” cozying up to 40-something Eli Wallach. “36 Fillette”‘s voluptuous, 14-year-old Lili prowling Biarritz for a man to take her virginity. Her New Zealand counterpart Janey slipping into her mom’s boyfriend’s bed in “Rain.” Gorgeous Vahina Giocante in “Lila Says” spewing obscenities too lewd to spill from her angelic lips. Aviva in “Palindromes” sleeping with boys and men, trying to get pregnant at 13. Baby-faced Chloë Sevigny in “Kids” learning that she is HIV-positive after having sex for the first time.

Sex is scary, but virginity is so over. Boys are immature and inexperienced, but men are old and hairy and off-limits. Male attention is crucial to fragile adolescent self-esteem, but don’t you wish they’d just leave you alone? Such is the plight of the pretty 13, 14, 15, 16-year-old who’s just sprouted boobs.

The latest film to masterfully portray the treacherous landscape of teenage girlhood is Australian director Cate Shortland’s debut, “Somersault” (winner of 13 Australian Film awards, including Best Film, Actress and Director), a movie about a girl just starting to learn what pretty can get her. Heidi, a sixteen-year-old who could be Nicole Kidman’s little sister, is pretty by anyone’s definition, with bold guilelessness and wonder that make her even more attractive. As played by newcomer Abbie Cornish, an Australian actress who is going to be a superstar, Heidi is delighted when her looks and charm bewitch men and women alike, but stung when she’s dismissed for the same qualities. Testing boundaries, she hits on her mother’s boyfriend and, when her mother catches them kissing, flees to a small ski town where she works at a gas station and sleeps with Joe, a local rich kid (Sam Worthington). Wracked with guilt and convinced her mother doesn’t love her anymore, Heidi believes that all she has to offer is her body. She throws herself at Joe and when they fight, at any other guy who will buy her a drink. But as much as we recoil at her self-destructive acts, we want to take her in our arms and cradle her, because what Heidi is really seeking is her mother’s love, and a stranger’s affection can’t quite cut it.

Heidi has entered the cinematic landscape of loveably precocious and pathetic jail bait confronting the world of sex and trying to make some sense of it, flirting, fighting, kissing and fucking — and hoping to make it to the other side, intact, alive and confident.

That said, here are my five all-time favorite underage movie hussies.

1. Linda (Phoebe Cates), “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”: Amy Heckerling’s groundbreaking 1982 cult hit showed in stark detail how humiliating adolescence could be. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Stacy, a girl who has sex a couple of times with little joy, only to end up pregnant. Even more endearing is Stacy’s best friend Linda, played by then-Seventeen model, now-Mrs. Kevin Kline Cates. Linda brags about her mysterious boyfriend and their mind-blowing sex and in one famous scene shows Stacy how to fellate a carrot. In another, Linda walks in on Stacy’s brother while he’s jerking off to fantasies of her. Her horror suggests that she might not be as sophisticated as she purports, which is the root of her appeal. Linda talks the talk, but she’s really just a sweet girl who dreams about big love and looks hot in a bikini.

2. Connie (Laura Dern), “Smooth Talk”: Laura Dern oozes sexuality (see: “Wild at Heart”), but her big, blue eyes also convey bewilderment and hurt, filling up in a way that suggests the world is harsher than she’d imagined (see: “Blue Velvet”). In this early film, Dern plays a girl who’s all long limbs twisting around themselves as she waits impatiently for life to begin. Connie is at that age where she leaves the house in one outfit and transforms it with loud jewelry, makeup and unzipping once she hooks up with her friends at the mall. She is both scared to death of boys and boy-crazy. But the film is based on the Joyce Carol Oates’ creepy story “Where Are you Going, Where Have You Been?”, so welcome Arnold Friend (Treat Williams), an older guy who sets his sights on Connie. What begins as playful flirtation turns sinister, with Connie fleeing at one point from his lurid words to hide under her parents’ steps and cry, “Mommy!” The whole film can be seen as a metaphor for sexuality as experienced by a restless nymphet, who is no longer a child but not quite a woman yet either.

3. Tracy (Evan Rachel Wood), “Thirteen”: In Catherine Hardwicke’s furiously paced debut, sweet Tracy falls in with Evie (Nikki Reed), a “bad girl” who turns her world into the whirlwind she’s been waiting for all her life. They steal things, pierce their tongues, sneak out to take drugs and fool around with older guys. Drugged up and high on their own wildness, they are out of control. Wood’s performance is so real, it is painful to watch for anyone (like me) who was ever a wild child too cute for her own good and ready to tell childhood to fuck off and take an unrestrained leap toward a life without limits. Wood more or less reprises the role in the upcoming “Down in the Valley” (in theaters May 5), in which she plays Tobe, a character who could be Tracy three years later, a 16-year-old who has tried sex and likes it. She falls for an older cowboy (Ed Norton) and scratches and screams bloody murder when her dad tries to keep them apart.

4. Rizzo (Stockard Channing), “Grease”: Who really cares if Channing was 34 when she played Rydell High’s biggest slut? She was a total sexpot in her skintight dresses and satin Pink Ladies jacket. She had the acting chops to make us love the bitch who slammed sweet Sandy as being “lousy with virginity.” And she had the best voice in the cast, knocking “There are Worse Things I Could Do” — her ballad about the woes of being Rydell High’s biggest slut — out of the field.

5. Deedee (Christina Ricci), “The Opposite of Sex”: When she appeared in “The Ice Storm” at 17 as a gamine who kept crawling into bed with the neighborhood boys, it was clear that Ricci was born to play a seductress. In Don Roos’ hilariously dark directorial debut, she plays Deedee, a pregnant tramp with platinum blond hair, a potty mouth and no morals, who seduces her gay brother’s boyfriend and says things (in the film’s brilliantly acerbic narration) like: “I don’t have a heart of gold and I don’t grow one later.” She’s both precocious and juvenile, both the film’s bossy, manipulative villain and its funny-as-shit heroine. Deedee Truitt might be the best pubescent tramp ever to grace movie screens.

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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