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“Lucky Number Slevin.”

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You're lucky, lucky, you're so lucky.
You know, we used to try to come up with some semblance of a coherent review of at least one of the week’s indie releases to post on the IFC News site, but we’ve been inconsistent enough about it that we’ve decided for the time being to just post blurbier half thought-out ramblings here, where we’ve establish such a tradition of, at best, half-thinking.

"Lucky Number Slevin" isn’t completely awful — it’s the kind of film that will be perfectly acceptable entertainment someday on Saturday afternoon TV. It’s the ideal length, with commercials, to fill two hours, after being trimmed slightly for content, and if you get up to make yourself some spaghetti halfway through, the tonal shift that takes place with the midpoint plot twist around which the film was clearly conceived may not even seem that jarring.

Director Paul McGuigan seems to be gearing his career around being the poor man’s pre-Madonna Guy Ritchie, who himself is a bit of the poor man’s Quentin Tarantino. All of this cinematic poverty apparently lands one with an embarrassingly good supporting cast (Ben Kingsley, Morgan Freeman, and Bruce Willis, who’s been aging into a great character actor) and an obligation to rest a film on the yet-unproven charms of Josh Hartnett, who plays the titular Slevin, a feckless young man who apparently stumbles into a lot of trouble with two local gangsters due to a case of mistaken identity. Lucy Liu bubbles in as the relentlessly cheery girl next door ("Didn’t I tell you? I’m a coroner!" she coos at one point to ensure her future plot-involvement). Characters have names like "The Rabbi" and "The Boss" and "The Fairy." There is stylishness. There are rambling speeches about pop culture, most notably one from Morgan Freeman about the Shmoo which probably had some metaphorical meaning relevant to what was happening in the film at the time, but for the life of us we can’t remember what that was.

The only noteworthy thing about "Lucky Number Slevin" is that, for its first half, Hartnett’s Slevin and Liu’s Lindsey seem extraordinarily unruffled, even exhilarated to find themselves involved in the intrigues of cartoonishly warring crimelords. They cite "Columbo" and Hitchcock films, and delight in pseudo-noir dialogue: "I’ve picked up a pigtail," Slevin informs Lindsey, and then has to explain that he means the cops are following him. "Oh, a pigtail. Cute," she allows. The two have a vague Nick and Nora Charles air to their accelerated romance, which, if odd, is also somewhat charming, at least until the big reveal and the increasing body count make the whole thing dumb and distasteful.

Opens wide.

+ Lucky Number Slevin (official site)

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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