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Odds: Friday – “The Promise,” Gallo sperm and those damn lists.

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"The purchaser must find another surname for the child. "If you’re feeling reeeeeaaaalllly ambitious, you can try to download the 11-minute trailer for Chen Kaige‘s lavish fantasy epic "The Promise" (China’s submission for the Best Foreign Film Academy Award) that was created for this year’s Cannes. CRI has an in-page version here, and KFCC points to a downloadable version here. We couldn’t get either to work, but our computer’s crappy.

Via WENN (♥! Trashy!),, a site claiming to be "the official website for Vincent Gallo merchandise," has an exclusive offer we’re going to have to quote in its wordy entirety:

BUY NOW             Vincent Gallo’s Sperm

$1 Million

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo’s multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo’s sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5’11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen "The Brown Bunny," you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.) I don’t know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can’t hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo’s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Who knows if this is a joke or not! And who cares in this allegedly post-irony age in which we live!

Abigail Goldman at the LA Times points out the Robert Greenwald’s is not the only Wal-Mart documentary coming out — Ron and Robert Galloway (who also have a blog) are premiering their "Why Wal-Mart Works & Why That Makes Some People Crazy" on the 15th, and releasing it using a grassroots model similar to Greenwald’s.

Via Eugene Hernandez at indieWIRE: the new Beastie Boys concert doc, entitled a sure-to-please-exhibitors "Awesome; I Fuckin’ Shot That," has just been acquired by THINKFilm. It was shot by 50 fans who were given DV cameras at a concert in New York last year.

Via BBC, Woody Allen‘s second London film (which, like "Match Point," stars Scarlett Johansson) has been given a title: "Scoop."

There’s a new issue of Firecracker up: David Hudson at Greencine Daily‘s got the breakdown.

And Geoffrey MacNab at the Independent and Peter Howell at the Toronto Star, both of whom should and do know better, still rise to the bait of two recently published "Top ______ Films Ever" lists. MacNab questions HMV’s "Top 50 Scariest Films" for being filled with too many recent films and too many films that rely on gore rather than true scares for shock value. And the one Howell can’t let slide is Total Film‘s "100 Greatest Movies of All Time" list:

I don’t usually take seriously the lists that movie magazines like to publish about the greatest films of all time. I know they do it because it’s easy and gets people talking. I know they like to toss in some titles that people will strongly disagree with. I know it’s all "a wind-up," as the Brits call it.

Yet I couldn’t help taking the bait when I saw a news story last week out of London, taken from Total Film magazine, placing Martin Scorsese‘s 1990 gangster movie "Goodfellas" atop a list of the 100 greatest films of all time. That really got my hackles up, even though I don’t know what hackles are.

+ Ten-Minute Trailer of "The Promise" (CRI)
+ KFCC Presents: The Promise – 11 Minute Cannes Teaser (KFCC)
+ Gallo Offers Sperm for Sale (WENN)
+ Documentaries ramp up debate over Wal-Mart (LA Times)
+ THINKFilm Gets "Awesome" Beastie Boys Doc (indieWIRE)
+ Woody Allen titles London movie (BBC)
+ Firecracker. 12. (Greencine Daily)
+ A bloodthirsty bunch of fans (Independent)
+ Goodfellas No. 1 — are you bloody serious? (Toronto Star)

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The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at

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Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

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